Everyone’s been telling me that my new girlfriend looks like my best friend, a woman who’s getting married in the fall. She was my college roommate for a while, and we’ve been close ever since.

This girlfriend is definitely getting serious about me. She’s said she loves me, and her hints about the future are increasing. So far, I just change the topic.

But now I’m wondering if I’m attracted to her BECAUSE she reminds me of my best friend, and if I’ve been in love all this time and never had the sense to realize it!

How can I talk about this with my friend? I like her fiancé, but he’s from a very different background, and I’m already concerned about how they’ll get along once married.

Will I ruin the friendship if I raise these thoughts now, when she’s already bought her wedding gown? Will her fiancé suspect or learn about my feelings, and cause us to stop being friends?

Completely Confused!

Cool your girlfriend relationship until you’ve figured out if you have feelings for her based on who SHE is.

Otherwise, you’re unfair to both her and yourself, because that relationship cannot grow happily. You’ll both end up miserable.

The comparisons will become even more off-putting, as you idealize an imagined life with your best friend vs. a daily existence with her “stand-in.”

Take a break. However, do not confess feelings to your engaged friend. Instead, ask her whether she’s sure her fiancé is The One, if there are any concerns about their differences. Don’t push, let her do the thinking afterwards. She’ll know you’re unattached, and can speak up if she wants.

If she gives no hint of interest in a relationship with you, accept that you’re just friends.

That doesn’t mean rush back to the other woman. Take time to know her for herself, or date others.

When I married my ex-husband, I had a six-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. We divorced a year ago when she was 15, so he’d been in her life for nine years.

Initially, he was a great step-dad, but as our own difficulties together increased, he withdrew from her. In the end, his coldness to her added to the reasons I told him to leave (not to mention his cheating).

My daughter’s now thinking about career choices. She called my ex and asked his advice, then announced they were meeting for coffee to discuss her future.

I feel very conflicted. I know he’s smart and may have helpful ideas. But I also know he spread nasty rumours about me when we split. I fear that he’ll steer her in a direction he knows I’ll not like, just to spite me.

But if I ask her not to see him, she may go anyway and we’ll then be in a serious rift. How do I tell her not to trust him completely?

Concerned and Distrusting

Don’t sow the seeds of distrust… they may come back to bite you! She clearly misses this man, and she’s wisely sought the opinion of someone who might have wisdom in this matter.

Support her. Show positive interest in what he has to say. Agree that it’s a great idea to canvass opinions, and suggest she also see a guidance/career counselor for ideas on what suits her interests and skills.

Of course, you’ll also state your own thoughts on her choices. Let her weigh all the input, then guide her.

My mother-in-law, widowed for five years, is dating someone who’s never married and has no background in being part of grandchildren’s lives.

He’s making her miss many of our once-regular get-togethers, like Sunday brunch. We always ate here or her place, then all went for a hike, or bowling, or other family activity.

She doesn’t want to be alone any more, so goes along with these changes. She just phones, saying they can’t come today, maybe next time.

How do I get him to stop interfering with our family’s traditions, without ruining her relationship?

Annoyed

They’re entitled to make some lifestyle changes as a couple. Saying he’s “interfering with traditions,” will surely cause resentment, he may distance her more.

Talk to her. Say that the children enjoy seeing her and miss her. Ask, can you and she work out some other times now, for get-togethers? You need to be flexible, too.