I married a neighbour at 17 and he became a control freak, always accusing me of something. I was a great wife and mother of five children for 30 years, until my husband cheated. I left him, and stayed with my daughter while he chased woman after woman.
I was separated for a year when a man showed interest and I fell. All my morals and values that I taught my children vanished and I started living with him.
Initially unsure, I’d keep going back to my daughter’s home for a day or two, and then return to him. Over five years, all I got was lies and cheating.
I’ve forgiven him, again. I didn't trust him when I’m at work and he’s on the computer because of the multiple chat lines to meet women, and porn I found on it. So he told me to put a lock on it until I came home.
That was a year ago and now he wants me to trust him by un-locking the computer. He says his behaviour was due to my originally leaving so often.
Can I trust him now? Or am I a bigger fool for him than I was for my ex-husband who wants me to give our marriage another chance?
- Totally Confused
Do not deal from delusion. Your current guy’s a player, no matter his excuses or casting blame on you. He’s not much different from what your ex-hubby became.
But, given your past experience, you should’ve run when this one started cheating and lying. Neither man deserves your trust.
If you stay with your current partner, he’ll find ways to let you down because you’ve always forgiven him. With Hubby, there’s too much past hurt and separate lives for you both to risk a second bad run.
Gather your self-respect, learn from your past and move on your own. Then, get to know a man’s character before you leap into commitments.
Last year, my daughter was in her close friend’s wedding party. With showers, etc., she spent over $600, including an expensive bridesmaid’s dress.
Together, my daughter, son-in-law, husband and I gave an electronic wedding gift and cash, totaling over $400.
Soon after, the bride asked my daughter if her husband had brought uninvited guests. It turned out the so-called wedding crashers were the groom’s business associates! We were insulted.
She then asked for the gift receipt, saying they didn't need this item. My daughter and I both sent Christmas cards; they didn’t reciprocate. My daughter feels the bride’s upset about our gifts (not enough). There’s been no thank-you note. I feel badly that their friendship may be jeopardized.
- Wedding Gift Blues
Your gifts and your daughter’s involvement were valuable and should be thanked. A close friend who’d behave otherwise is both rude and petty.
But if your daughter wants to try to keep the friendship, she needs to tell the bride she feels a chill between them, and wants to know why.
The response she receives should determine if this is still a Buddy or a Bridezilla.
My daughter’s mother-in-law likes to phone and chat with me about “our kids.” The agenda’s always that my daughter’s stubborn and unappreciative, her son works hard, and everything in their lives should be as he wants it.
How can I respond and defend my daughter without getting into conflict?
Deflect instead of defend. Say you expect “the kids” will work things out on their own - then ask for her recipe for cappuccino pie.
My brother’s been on disability income for many years. The family’s been told it’s chronic fatigue and cognitive problems.
Our relatives don't feel he’s very disabled or disabled at all, however, my mother believes and sympathizes with him. She’s now elderly and plans to leave almost everything to him.
I’ve done just okay and worked hard all my life, but feel like I'm being punished for it. Mom won’t tolerate her decisions being questioned. How do I handle this?
- Left Out
When a parent passes, grief and loss are painful enough without adding sibling jealousy to the mix. Neither you nor your relatives have enough information to judge your brother’s disability level. Certainly, his life hasn’t had the pride of achievement you’ve enjoyed.
Your mother’s support for him is natural and admirable. You’ve managed this long on your own – her will isn’t a “punishment,” rather, it’s respect for your capabilities.
Tip of the day:
When repeated partners behave equally badly, change your own patterns.