We’re high-school sweethearts, together for three years, in love and committed. Through discussion and compromising, we can resolve all problems but one.     
      He’s always lamented his smoking addiction. I’ve been exposed to smoking at home so have been somewhat tolerant.         
      However, it’s now really bugging me - he gets sick often, coughs and hacks, and is unpleasant without his nicotine. He also spends $120 a month, limiting money for school, bills or saving for our future.         
      He’ll get my hopes up, but never cuts down. His parents both smoke in his house and lend him smokes. He compares my comments to his mother’s nagging him about money. I don’t know how to just forget about this issue between us.
      - Frustrated

There are two issues: 1) His health; 2) Your discomfort. I’m a great believer in people needing to quit smoking for their own sake, but I’ll start with #2.    
      Your position has been weakened by early tolerance, BUT if you eventually live together, have children, the effects of second-hand smoke will become a hugely divisive matter.    
      Meanwhile, his attitude towards #1 – his own health picture  – is currently paramount. He just doesn’t “get” it enough, despite widespread general knowledge of smoking’s risks.     
      No one can make someone quit, so nagging is wasted energy. Nicotine’s extremely addictive, but withdrawal symptoms, e.g. moodiness, can be managed with a proven smoking cessation approach.    
      One book that’s widely successful is Allen Carr’s bestseller, Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It’s helped millions quit through understanding why they smoke, rather than through scare tactics. And, as a partner, your support is crucial.

Recently, in a restaurant, an acquaintance took mypicture while I was unaware. Later, he showed me his cell phone picture of me. I thought it was polite to ask someone first if one can take a picture.    
      I was caught off-guard and startled by his actions. Now I’m angry. Should I mention this next time I see him or let it go?
      - Annoyed

Anyone who hasn’t been living isolated in a time capsule, who watches YouTube or is part of today’s cell-phone culture, knows that instant photos are routinely taken without so much as a “Smile, please!”     
      True, it is NOT polite, but it’s likely that many people wouldn’t even know what you’re talking about if you raise that principle.    
      You can tell your acquaintance you prefer to be asked or forewarned next time, but don’t be surprised if he thinks you’re acting like a diva … and prompts a wannabe-paparazzi reaction to snap you again.

Last fall, we received a wedding invitation to a nephew’s son’s wedding. It was out of town and we were unable to attend, but sent a sizeable cheque as a gift. Although the cheque was cashed, we haven’t received an acknowledgement.
      - Etiquette?

The rush to cash the cheque seemingly used up this couple’s energy and good manners. According to the Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, a couple should only get two months’ grace on sending thank-you notes for wedding gifts.    
      In a world of instant emails and texts, even that seems a long time, but most brides/grooms feel it’s ruder to respond electronically. This couple crossed the time line with their neglect.      
      Mention it to your nephew, in a gentle way, e.g. “How are the new couple doing? I haven’t heard from them about our gift, so I wondered if they’d settled in okay.”     
      Hopefully, he’ll educate his “kids” about showing timely appreciation to relatives they’ll likely tap in the future, for baby gifts, etc.

FEEDBACK Here’s commentary on the topic of an engagement ring, following my January 9 column:     
      Reader - “The ring is a symbol of love. But nothing says it has to be a diamond, particularly if the couple doesn’t have any money.    
      “I was a teacher, $9,600 a year, and she earned less as a day care teacher. We bought Mexican-made silver rings - $5 each - for our ceremony.     
      “They’ve long since been lost. On our fifth anniversary, I gave my wife a simple gold band; she’s a potter, and it ended up in a pot when she took it off while at her wheel.      
      “For us, it's the everyday things, or the little surprises when least expected, that matter most. We just passed our 35th anniversary - and we still don't have any rings!”
      - Still Loving

When it’s a mutual decision that rings don’t matter … they don’t matter!