I’ve discovered that my husband cheated on me at his bachelor party at a faraway all-inclusive resort.

I found email exchanges between him and another guest about cheating at the party with prostitutes or strippers. They indicate that he was very interested in partaking in such activities.

We’ve been married for two years and are expecting a child. When I discovered the emails two months ago, I was ready to leave. He denied that any cheating happened, that he only got a lap dance.

I find that hard to believe.

When he’d returned, I’d asked if he had more "fun" at his party than I would’ve liked. He said he’d “never do anything like that,” he just had fun with friends.

If the lap dance was so harmless, why not tell me then? I feel that he lied.

It’s hard to trust him since he keeps denying that anything happened.

Torn Apart

He had a lap dance and knew you wouldn’t approve. So he withheld that detail.

Now look at the man: Has he been loving, responsible, given no cause for suspicion over two years?

If so, your conclusion that he’s a liar, untrustworthy, and not fit to live with, is overreaction. Expecting a child may have you naturally feeling more vulnerable and worried about the future, but this event doesn’t warrant a divorce.

Unless… you’ve persistently mistrusted him with good reason, and that’s why you snooped. (Otherwise this email was misleading, since exchanges are often hyped between friends going off to a bachelor party at a faraway resort).

My boyfriend and I had ongoing chemistry throughout high school, and started dating throughout the summer and our first year at university.

This has been my best and most involved relationship. He’s passionate and cares very much for me.

However, we come from different backgrounds. He was notorious for being late and disrespectful in high school (the opposite from me) and less conservative than I am.

I thought his lateness, lying about how much he smokes, and disrespectful mannerisms would lessen, or I’d become less rigid.

But, with stress from school, work, and family, he’s gained considerable weight, lost confidence, revealed anger issues, quit his job, and recently lashed out at his sister, grabbing her by the neck.

I love him, but am becoming unsure as he unintentionally mirrors the same habits as my father: laziness, gluttony, anger, delusions of power, ego, and disregard for others' well being.

I fear our relationship will be like my parents'. I already feel committed and understand that I may need to loosen up, but I’m unsure if it’s the right decision for me long-term.

I’m unwilling to continue our pattern of nagging and frustration, afraid that if I wait too long, breaking up will be too hard.

Hard Look Ahead

Take a break, now. And tell him why – but keep it about him, not your father. It’s his anger, loss of confidence, and disrespect for others that are red flags.

Unless he takes control of his current responses to stress – added weight, lower self-image, and lashing out – he’ll become a man you resent.

Your view of your father indicates how you will react.

However, he’s young and you’re smart, able to explain to him, as you have here, why your relationship could be frustrating and hurtful to you both, unless he’s committed to change.

He must do this himself, likely needing counselling (available through student services regarding anger issues). Stay apart for at least six months so he can prove himself… or not.

My close friend married a man 12 years younger than her. His son, age nine, lives with them every weekend.

She’s a busy dentist but always made time for seeing girlfriends, and we kept frequent phone/email contact in between.

Now I’m lucky if she returns my calls. My kids are away at university or working, and busy on weekends, so I’d “graduated” to having a life of my own again. But she’s given that up.

I don’t think it’s wise to change yourself completely for a partner even if there’s great love between them (there is). I want to warn her that she’ll lose her friends.

Missing My Friend

Be the friend you want her to be. Ask to visit a couple of times when his son’s around, to show your interest and understand her new life. It’ll help her see you’re still supportive and want to stay close, despite the new circumstances.