My dad emotionally abused my brothers and me, as children, with public humiliation tactics, making us feel poor and worthless. I felt like an inconvenience and a chore.

I found my life better when I was old enough to move out on my own and escape his control and meanness. I now speak to him once every two to three weeks on the phone, but it's difficult because I don't agree with some of his life choices.

This past Christmas, he talked about how "none of his family was there" and he envied the relationship his brother and my cousins have. I feel it's 100% his fault for the environment that we grew up in.

I can't tell him this because he doesn't listen and gets defensive, so I gave up. I feel that it'd be better if we did have a functional relationship but I don't know how to proceed.

Want to Let Go

Your desire for a better relationship is brave but problematic. If he responds negatively, it can trigger old responses in you and even cause a return to negative self-image.

Seek a counsellor with whom you feel comfortable and work out strategies for approaching your father. You'll need the professional support if you run into roadblocks, or he returns to emotional abuse as his defense weapon.

If things progress, you may invite him to join you in therapy. Your father has to do the work too, if you're to achieve a better dynamic. If he doesn't, you're wise to continue to protect yourself, through measured contact.

I'm 59, widowed, mother of three adult children. My daughter, 35, probably should've gotten some medical attention long ago.

She's angry at the whole world. There are few people she gets along with or approves of. Everyone else is just plain stupid, according to her.

Also, everybody's out to get her, nobody understands or listens to her, etc. She's very manipulative, ignorant, and negative. That's my opinion.

I'm already sick and tired of going around making sure I don't say or do something wrong to provoke her. And now that I give up, she strikes back through her son, three, (my grandson).

I've not seen or talked to him since July. She's using him to get to me. With her mood swings up and down, I'm worried he could be in some kind of danger! I don't understand how come her husband of seven years doesn't do anything about it, why they don't get some kind of medical help or solve the problem.

I currently don't talk to either of them, just to keep things calm.

Worried

Your daughter likely does need medical help for her anger, paranoia, and mood swings that you describe, but you cannot force it on her. However, staying distant and not speaking to her or her husband does nothing for your concerns about your grandson.

Better to try to rise above your own reaction to her (you should be somewhat used to her attitudes by now) and stay in contact and as supportive as you can, by listening and offering to help babysit or whatever she might need.

That way, if her behaviour gets more difficult, and more anti-social, you may be able to urge her husband to get her to a medical check, convince her yourself that you're worried about her well-being, or get other family members (her siblings, say) to help you with an intervention, for the child's sake.

We offered to help our son and daughter-in-law buy furniture for their new apartment. They, however, don't agree on the kind of furniture they want.

Also, their place is a mess, and she refuses to have a cleaning lady and pretends all cleaning products are toxic.

They have busy careers. I probably shouldn't interfere. However, this isn't a good lifestyle. Should I make the help contingent to their cleaning up their act or should I just contribute what I promised, no question asked?

Uncertain

Only help buy the furniture if you can NOT make it contingent on anything... not on how you feel about their lifestyle, nor their choice of furniture, nor how they care for it. If these things are impossible for you to ignore, and you still feel you want to "help" them with a gift, write a cheque, or buy a neutral item such as technology items they need for their work.