I’m in a serious three-year relationship, and we’re considering moving to the next level. But the lady I love likes to drink and sometimes smoke illegal substances. I’m not into that. So she drinks and smokes with her landlord, who lives downstairs. It’s described as just friendship, but I’m suspicious of this relationship. I go over, she’s either drunk or high, and he just left.
Do you think they have something going on sexually? I don’t want to confront her if you think I’m being ridiculous.
What are the odds that two people get high a few hundred times and no one takes their clothes off?
- Not Betting
Forget the odds, and drop in on them… more than once. If he’s such a frequent visitor, a serious boyfriend should be welcome to get to know him, too. Since you don’t partake of their pleasures, just visit awhile. Watch their body language, and how you’re received.
If you still have doubts, confront her straight up. But go slowly before moving to any “next stage.” You’re already alert to trouble; dressed or undressed, their partying “a few hundred times” should worry you, since it’s likely that her idea of recreation and yours are headed for conflict.
My husband, 45, (we’re married over 20 years) became friends with a female co-worker, 25, (who's gay); I accidentally discovered they text-messaged and called each other constantly. He no longer communicated with me, nor expressed his love, and we made love only rarely. I expressed upset that he was carrying on like this; he stated that she’s his “best friend,” which he couldn't stop just because I didn't like her.
Eventually I called her to ask her to stop texting/calling my husband outside of the workplace; since then, he hides his cell phone and the cell phone bills. I feel that what he’s doing can be considered cheating. He said that he loves me but does nothing to prove it, nor has he apologized for his actions. The texting and calls from her stopped. Then I discovered this same pattern has started with another female co-worker.
I’m thinking I should cut my losses and get out of this relationship. I can't trust him anymore. We have two children who’ll be devastated by our separation.
- Feeling Hopeless
It may surprise you, but the fact that he’s repeating the pattern actually sounds hopeful to me. Rather than being a love affair with someone, it sounds like he’s in some kind of mid-life crisis, seeking confirmation that he’s desired (even if as a friend).
If he wishes to stay married to you, he needs to show it by getting counselling help or ending this unacceptable behaviour. You only need to ask if he’d approve your having new and intrusive male friends preoccupying your time, for him to get the point. However, if he says it’s okay, see a lawyer.
My mother’s love is very conditional. Our son, a toddler, has quite a few developmental issues for which he’s getting therapies. She’s embarrassed by this, as well as by his behaviour (part of his developmental problems). She’s so concerned about how other people view her and her family, that she’s ruining her relationship with us.
I’ve told her that my priority is now my kids and wife and if she doesn't like it, too bad. I’m no longer going to cater to her little fits. We’re no longer bending over backwards to try to include her in things.
She lives minutes from us but will go months without even attempting to see the kids. We just don't know how to get through to her, that her putting everyone else’s views ahead of her own immediately family is just unacceptable.
- Wit’s End
ou just expressed it very well to me. Now, tell Mom. She understands “conditional,” so tell her your conditions: You’d like her to be a loving grandmother. But if she’s a critical one with no compassion for your youngsters’ struggles, she’s causing more harm than good.
However, keep a door open if she finally gets the message and shows change. Kids are more forgiving of the older generations’ ways than you think.
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Tip of the day:
When you have strong suspicions, odds are you need to discover some facts.