My friend told me something in confidence and I told a group of my friends. I didn’t do it to be mean or rude. I completely forgot that she asked me not to tell anyone. Now those other people are bugging her about what she told me, in a funny-not-mean way, and she’s furious with me.
I know she’s right to be mad and I feel terrible about it. It’s not a big deal, which is why I guess I thought it was OK. But I know I made a mistake. I’ve apologized several times but she’s still angry.
What do I do?
No Secret
You need to keep apologizing. But do NOT try to explain yourself because it doesn’t matter and will just upset her more. Telling her that you didn’t think it was a big deal diminishes her feelings. It was her secret, not yours. And even if it was a silly thing, for example, she likes to eat M&Ms in the bath, it was HER secret.
Know that she probably has lost trust in you as a friend and won’t be sharing anything with you in the near future. Also, be prepared that if you share a secret with her, it may get out the same way hers did.
The lesson from this is to respect other people’s privacy, and, if someone confides in you, NO MATTER WHAT they tell you, you should feel honoured that they’ve shared it with you. Guard their secret with the respect it deserves. (Obviously, there are secrets that need to be shared for the safety of others or the person in question).
How am I going to make it through the holidays with my brother-in-law who I abhor? I love my wife’s sister; she’s a riot. And her kids are great. Getting together with everyone in the family is so much fun – except for my BIL. He’s crass, rude, a boor and a bore. I try to avoid him, but he corners me.
My wife knows how I feel and she’s spoken to her sister on my behalf. She and I get along so well that she excuses me this situation. I have tried, and she knows it. He and I are just never going to be friends.
For some reason, he says things that boil my blood. I end up drinking too much, and then sometimes that ends badly. I’m always horribly embarrassed and apologetic the next day. My father-in-law used to come over for a Bloody Mary the morning after, in gratitude for keeping his other son-in-law away from him.
I get riled up just thinking about him, then I do everything in my power to stay cool when I’m around him, and then I lose it.
What do I do?
In-law Insanity
The holidays are meant to be a time for family, fun, food and loving connection. But not everyone gets along with everyone else. That’s to be expected. As a result, the holidays can be a time of emotional endurance.
Be prepared. I know it’s after the fact, but there are plenty of holidays throughout the year. Expect the inevitable triggers. Stay calm and keep your cool. Try not to get too anxious thinking about this ahead. You know he’ll be there, so don’t waste energy thinking about it.
Have a game plan. If you see him coming towards you, turn and head to the kitchen. Or the bathroom; he can’t follow you in there. Make sure you’ve been placed at the other end of the table from him. And then, moments before you leave, so as not to appear rude, sidle up and say, “sorry we didn’t get to catch up. Maybe next year.”
FEEDBACK Regarding ghosted (July 7; Oct. 9):
Reader – “It’s interesting how often people reject other people’s beliefs in ghosts, guardian angels, evil spirits, etc., while adhering to formal religions that claim the existence of such entities.
“What if you’d written you believe in God — who, in the Christian faith, is said to be present in the world as ‘The Holy Ghost.’
“I recall Dr. Phil speaking to a cult member, telling him how foolish and dangerous it was to put one’s faith in, and follow, some bearded guy who claims to be God. Given that Dr. Phil is a devout Baptist who follows a bearded guy he’s never even met who claimed to be God, I thought that was amusing!
“That there’s no scientific proof of spirits, including a possible God, is why we say we ‘believe’ in them, why we have ‘faith’ that they exist. Belief and faith are about hope and trust, not about irrefutable proof.”