I’m married to a man of two personalities: sweet docile man, and sexually-addicted liar. 

After my previous divorce, we dated for five years, during which he had an affair. We broke up and eventually reconciled. Since marrying, there’ve been hints of him visiting porn sites.

When confronted, he’d be Mr. Nice Guy. However, he never had time to help the family or provide for us.

He’s a compulsive spender even when he didn’t have a job (he lost several). I’ve always provided for the family.

Last year, I discovered he’d been seeing high-price prostitutes since we married; he admitted this. I then realized why I contracted an STD (which he’d blamed on his prior indiscretion).

Now, we’re separated but he kept coming back - charming, nice and even shared his phone record (not emails) to prove his “innocence.”

I received gifts and flowers, and it’s very tempting. However, he refused to see a counsellor. Are my feelings persisting because I’m lonely or am I a “co-dependent”?

- Cheated and Confused

Go buy yourself flowers and feel lucky that you can manage well on your own. 

He’s a serial cheat, a liar, irresponsible, disrespectful, even harmful to your health. Not all his “charm” or gifts can balance that crummy record.

You’ll still be lonely with him: Worrying whether he’s cheating, carrying other sexually-transmitted diseases, taking advantage of you.

Co-dependency is a curable condition if you take charge of your life. Tell Two-Face to get lost.

We’re married 20 years and have a pretty stable relationship; she’s a busy office manager for a small, male-dominated office and does the domestic thing around the office. I work in IT. 

When we need to do work around our home, she says, “I already did it at work.”

I do 90% laundry, 100% cooking, load and unload the dishwasher, all house and outdoor maintenance, and all cleaning chores. She makes coffee in the morning.

I’m feeling used. Asking for help usually ends in arguments.

She’s gained a huge amount of weight, TV’s her only activity.

I’m tired of asking to go for a walk, or a movie, She’s been to the doctor and it’s not hormones or women’s issues. I’m ready to pack it in.

- Tired and Resentful

Before you go… consider what brought you two together, and what’s changed: Why the huge weight gain? Children or no children? Depression (my guess is YES)? And why she accepts being “the domestic” at her office? 

Your wife needs to get professional help for all of the above, but she won’t do so if it’s presented as her problem that’s destroyed your union. If you have any regard for her at all, stay awhile longer and encourage her to improve her health and life for her own sake, and because you care.

Meanwhile, with two salaries, you can afford a cleaning service bi-monthly, and possibly someone to do laundry and some cooking (to freeze ahead) once weekly. Instead of being the aggrieved martyr, look at the big picture and see if you two can make it brighter.

I’m in love with a married man. He treats me real nice, does everything for me but I get lonely at times. I don’t want to leave him and he won’t leave his wife though he says he doesn’t love her anymore. Should I stay with him or find someone else?

- Love Fool

Leave him. He’s been clear – he only wants an affair, period. It’ll never be more.

I’m depressed and confused; my fiancé doesn’t know. She’s been away for over a week, I’ve been living single. 

We’ve been together two years but I’m fond of single life again, and detaching from her mentally. I still love her, but often wonder about seeing other people; I’ve gone out for coffee with several.

We’re getting married soon, but I’m wrestling with my life now. There’s no reason to leave her, other than small annoying things.

Should I ruin her life and break up, or stay?

- Adrift

Set your fiancé free, or her life will be “ruined” by you as a reluctant (and, probably, a cheating) husband. If you can’t stay faithful for a week, you’re NOT READY to marry anyone. 

This may be pre-wedding “jitters,” but your rush to dating is a trust-breaker. Wrestle with your life on your own, and long enough for certainty, if you decide to re-connect.