I really love my husband of ten years. We’d lived together a few years and only had sex every couple of months back then, which bothered me. It became our elephant in the room.
We had a great friendship and fun together, and he was a good partner. It wasn’t perfect; he was so busy with work over many years that I took care of our personal life, chores, etc., myself.
At times he drank too much and stood me up to be with friends and workmates.
He also misled me about having kids. When I was ready, he was absolutely not, though I was getting older (he’s now interested in having kids with me).
But I stayed because I loved him and believed that he loved me.
Over the years he explained that he was very stressed with work and studying and that he’s always had a low sex drive, even before he met me.
For the last ten years, we’ve had sex once every two to three months. We’ve been to counselling to help with communication but weren’t allowed to bring up our hottest issues, as the intent was to resolve the “little things.”
Then we went to a sex therapist for over a year, where we learned to de-stress, relax, and learned about sex in general. We haven’t committed yet to “dates” where we devote time to pleasing each other - too busy or tired, or he suggests it’s more like “work” than fun.
He doesn’t seem to have an erotic attraction to me. He also gets squeamish when I make loud noises. Overall, there’s awkwardness.
He loves affection, so my affection needs are met. He insists he loves me, and thinks I’m very attractive but doesn’t seem disappointed in our lack of sex.
I try not to bring it up too often as I don’t want to make him feel bad, and part of me isn’t attracted to him anymore.
A couple of times when we tried, he couldn’t maintain an erection, which was awkward. He’s seen a doctor, and just has to manage the stress.
To be honest, I’ve had a few affairs but I always made sure not to let it get serious, as I had no intention of leaving. I know it’s wrong, but I did fulfill my needs and boost my confidence.
I feel I’ve tried to resolve this, and that it’d be shallow leaving a loving man, for some passion. I also worry that a passionate relationship would fade after a few years, and I’d be stuck alone.
Should I just initiate more sex, despite my lack of attraction, so that I can make this a full marriage? And stop cheating. My husband would be very upset if he knew.
You’re not “stuck,” you’ve made a choice. You have a solid, caring marriage, not a passionate one. You’ve tried different routes – and could try more, such as individual counselling for him and further medical investigation of his lack of libido.
Or, you could keep him as a friend, but separate, and look for a more fulfilled relationship, since cheating only helps temporarily and getting caught (which inevitably happens) is worse than you even imagine.
One warning – it’s not wise to have a child now, when you’re still unsure that you’ll “never” leave. Also, the totally changed lifestyle with a child will fall on your shoulders if he’s still working so hard and over-stressed. You’ll be even less attracted to him, then.
This guy likes me and is so nice to me, but hasn’t had the courage to ask me out.
He only talks to me sometimes but mostly looks away when speaking to me.
I drop hints that I wouldn’t reject him but he can’t seem to ask me out, though it’s very obvious that he likes me.
I think he’s shy but don’t know why, because he’s very sociable. He added me on a social network but doesn’t text me.
He also has a girlfriend now but he confuses me. I’m very shy so can’t ask him myself.
Should I try to get his attention?
Scared of Rejection
Everyone dislikes rejection, but instead of being scared, most people proceed on what’s real, not imagined, or based on hope.
The big fact here is that this guy has a girlfriend. So, NO, you should not try to get his attention until he’s unattached.
Tip of the day:
Staying in a passionless and sex-less union is not an easy choice and needs re-thinking over time.