I'm certain my brother-in-law's secretly gay, but he's seriously dating a terrific woman and I'd hate for her to get hurt.

He's become obsessive about his body - going on extreme diets, working out daily - and has also become clothes-crazy; only designer shirts and jeans will do.

My husband and his other brother must be homophobic because they won't even discuss with me whether his brother could be gay. He says I should mind my own business.

But isn't it terribly unfair to not alert his girlfriend to this possibility before they actually get engaged?

Concerned For Her

You're married to a wise man, he's married to a gossip. Not only should you "mind your own business," you should look at your own prejudices. If every man who wears a Ralph Lauren shirt is potentially gay, you've got a lot of work to do informing all their girlfriends and wives!

IF your brother-in-law has private information about anything, he wants to keep it that way. Back off, and zip both your mouth and your nosy mind.

Control your drama-making instinct and don't even hint at your baseless suspicions. You'll look and sound ridiculous. Worse, you'll probably create a rift between you, your husband, and his brother.

I'm 30, female, and the youngest of my siblings; I've also been single the longest and am now in my first really serious relationship. Yet my family still acts as if I'm on my own and forgets - or don't bother - to include my boyfriend.

If there's a family dinner, I have to keep asking if it's okay to bring him. It's sometimes yes, other times no, and sometimes they even make it sound like it's a big deal to add one more person at the table!

They act all conservative and uptight if he and I want to visit together at the cottage. They know we travel together on our own, and that we're not youngsters whose morals they have to protect.

At the same time, they'd be upset if I said we're going to get married as we've only dated for eight months, and the whole family including me thinks that a couple should get to know each other even longer before making that commitment. But they've all said they like my boyfriend, which makes their exclusions weird.

How can I get my siblings (who lived together with their spouses before marrying) to treat me like a grown-up and take my relationship seriously?

Not A Kid

You'll always be their "kid sister" but that doesn't mean you have to act like it. Take control, as diplomatically as possible, of each situation that arises and they'll soon get the picture on you and your guy being a couple.

Invited for a birthday dinner next week? Respond with "We'll be there! What should we bring? Bruce makes a terrific guacamole dip!" If there's a suggestion of leaving Bruce out of the gathering, just say firmly that you can't do that, you're a couple and you wouldn't hurt his

feelings or have him think your family dislikes him.

Repeat this response each time. As for the cottage sleepover, they may have their own "house rules," especially if they have young children (yes, it may be inconsistent or even hypocritical, but that's their right).

However, if the rule only applies to you as Baby Sis, comment on this. Or go off to a country retreat or camping on your own.

My wife's longtime friend, who lives in France, is here for three months on a work project. Her husband hasn't been able to visit her yet.

When we're with her, she talks a lot about the "hunk" at her office here, and even brags about men - strangers - who hit on her wherever she goes.

We know her husband, even stayed at their house when we traveled to Europe. I find it offensive to listen to all this chat, which sounds like she's either already cheating or sending out signals everywhere that she's open for it.

But my wife's close to her and insists it's all innocent. Should I say something anyways?

Put Off

For your comfort's sake, your wife should privately tell her pal that her man-focus has you unnerved - no suspicion implied. The woman may just be lonely but, if she's getting itchy, it'll make her think twice before scratching.