I’d like to know the time when my wife had menopause, with hot flashes every so often. I can’t remember at exactly what age she had it, I’m guessing it was between 45-48.

She never discussed with me, as a husband, only to my daughters, so it seems like I’m left out.

When she got over the menopause, I was cut off, there was no more sex together.

What’s the reason for that? It makes the relationship difficult for me.

It wasn’t like that in her younger years. She always wanted sex, even twice a day. Now I’m missing out on the fun times and romance.

She even closed the bathroom door to get changed, won’t even show me nothing of herself.

Missing Out

You leave me guessing, too, as to what happened between you two.

Menopause can be very difficult and distressing for some women - sudden, uncomfortable hot flashes, pain on intercourse due to excessive dryness, irritability from those effects plus hormone changes that affect moods, …and more.

Yet sexual relations don’t always end because of menopause unless there are other factors - such as a husband not “getting it” that the symptoms and discomforts take time for his wife to accept and manage.

Or, when the wife believes - either from old customs handed down or lack of modern education and awareness - that “the change” symbolizes the end of intimacy.

From what you’ve written, I read only about poor-you “missing out.” Not a word about you showing concern for how she felt, whether she saw her doctor, and whether there were remedies that could be helpful to her well-being.

But maybe it’s not too late. Since you’ve made the effort to write me, perhaps you can still make an effort to reach out to your wife.

BUT, don’t make it all about sex.

Tell her you miss her and feel badly that you didn’t understand what she went through in menopause. Say that you still love her and wish you both can enjoy this time of life together… going out together as a couple, and sharing your feelings more openly.

Trust me, it’s worth a try far more than trying to peek into the bathroom when she wants privacy.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the changes in male-female relationships, due to online dating:

“I find that women now play the field even more than men.

“While browsing a dating site recently, I found nearly every single female was asking for “a casual” relationship or no commitment at all.

“Meanwhile, each was requesting that a man take her out on dates.

“But why would I date someone who’s already decided to not have a relationship, but wants all the benefits of me committing to dating her?

“If I don't get a mutual commitment about dating, then I'm going to do the same. There’s where I see new relationships fade.

“We’re still expected to act like men did years ago and treat a woman like you’re going to marry her. Only most women these days don’t or won’t make the commitment.”

Ellie - I understand the frustration of feeling that women online are holding back on commitment.

But I see it as a logically cautious move, to give both people a chance to get to know and trust each other, rather than say they’re ready from the start to have a relationship.

You’re still strangers until you’ve met/talked/spent time together at least a few times.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who asks if she’s “wasting time” with a man who moved in but never informs her when he’s coming home, nor makes plans with her to go out as a couple (January 25):

Reader – “If he doesn’t sing off the same page as you in terms of what it means to be a couple, you may give it your best shot, but may find out one day, as I did in a similar situation, that he essentially won't change despite all the talk and promises.

“Try it, but bail out before you spend too many years frustrated and cheated of the kind of relationship you really want and should have with a true partner.”

"Experienced"

Ellie - They hardly knew each other’s habits when he moved in right after his divorce. Discussing their different expectations of how to live together, and compromising on them, is their only hope of staying together.