A couple of years ago, a very traumatic, very public event happened to a family member of mine. As a family, we made the decision to pull together and didn't shatter. I can't say the same about most of my friendships.
I've never been one for large circles of friends, only tightly knit, small groups. When everything happened, most of my friends dropped me like a hot potato... which was quietly rather devastating.
Now I'm getting married, and suddenly realizing that I have no friends on my guest list.

I don't care to invite the people who were my friends for more than half my life, and I haven't introduced any of my new friends to my family, who will all be attending the wedding.
I realize this is a problem of my own making, but I'm struggling with it and the whole thing is making me feel very depressed. How does an adult go about forming the kinds of friendships that last for a lifetime?

Starting Fresh

The friends you make as an adult are people you select, having now acquired knowledge about yourself and what you value in others whom you want close.

This didn’t happen with your childhood friends. Though some normally remain friends into adulthood, many do not, even when there’s no trauma that created the divide. People change in different ways; some do not grow in a way you’d respect.

Be open to new people you meet through work, where you live, and through life phases ahead which may include new interests, involvement in compelling causes, and, possibly, raising children.

You don’t have to recount the past traumatic event to new friends, unless you choose to do so. If someone recognizes a name and asks, just say it’s a private matter and in the past.

If this is why you haven’t introduced new friends to your family, think it through before the wedding. It’s up to your own comfort level with these people.

I have a younger sister with children and we all hung out all the time. However, once I married at 39, she turned away from me. Enduring Stage 3 breast cancer treatments while I was raising two pre-schoolers, ages three and four, was horrendous without any support of my family.

I’m now 58, and our relationship hasn’t improved. My sister’s wealthy and my other siblings adore her. They travel together and she invites them to stay her cottage. My family is left out. We’re only included at Christmas and sometimes Easter.

At first, I didn’t go but I feel my children need their cousins in their lives.

I’ve prayed, gone for counselling, screamed, and yelled. She says she cannot be my friend but my other siblings can be her friend. My heart was broken but now I’ve come to accept this situation. And acceptance has given me peace.

The Other Sister

A sad story, with a mystery element. Something happened when you married… and I understand that you may have no idea what it was.

It could be anything from her resenting being replaced by your husband for primary attention, or her not liking him, whatever. If you actually do know what turned her, it could still be a talking point some day, if you choose.

Meanwhile, living with peace is a wise choice. So, too, is allowing the children to build their own relationships. This may be more difficult as they get into teens and ask probing questions.

It’s crucial that I’m in the loop in my highly collaborative work. However, my coworkers only speak to each other in their own language, except in official meetings with our boss.

They make my job harder by making me ask so many follow-up questions. Their frequent joking and laughing makes me feel self-conscious. Am I wrong to think they're being rude? I'm a new employee and don't want to complain.

Excluded

It’s rude, if intentional. If not, they may not fully realize how this exclusion affects the work.

Speak up, professionally. Say that the job processes must be clear to all, circulated in written form. They’ll know what you mean.

If this doesn’t help, repeat through a note, copied to the boss.

BUT, meanwhile, be friendly. Ask to learn a few words and use them, even “Good morning everyone!” Ask what’s funny, and join in their laughter. They’ll appreciate your efforts and be more helpful.