My husband goes to bars with work buddies during lunch and after work, for a few beers - nothing to make him too late or drunk.
He lies about it.
I admit I look for clues – I go through his wallet for receipts, and cell phone to find evidence of him buddies planning it.
I hate that he lies about it - when I ask about his day he says it was good. Sometimes I've asked outright when he's been a bit late if he went for drinks and he's lied to my face.
I wonder why he's lying. I know I’ve been pretty psycho, judgmental and critical of him (as my mom was on me, and I lied to her for little things too) but on the other hand I wonder if he has something to hide.
- Fearing Secrets
You already know what he has to hide – the quantity and necessity of his drinking habit. And your snooping around about it instead of talking to him is making things worse!
Generally, a daily drinking habit that’s kept secret is a strong indication of a drinking problem; not appearing drunk only proves that the drinker maintains a regular level of alcohol in his/her system… but also doesn’t allow it to decrease.
Stop avoiding the issue and start talking to him as a caring partner, concerned for his health.
You’re not your mother, you don’t have to model her ways; more important, you’re not his mother. Drop the criticism and confront this issue together.
I heard you say on your Slice TV-show “Outlaw In-Laws" that it takes seven years for a blended family to "settle in.” We’re seven in our “tribe”, and about to send the second oldest off to college (the oldest two are mine). The next three - adolescents and teens - are his.
Now, all the stuff we went through (and it wasn't THAT BAD) with my kids, we will now experience with the younger three. I just have to learn how to bite my tongue and not say, "I told you so.”
I will take all the advice I can get because I love the guy so much and we both want to make it through and survive with the relationship intact.
Most of my friends are in the same boat and we’re constantly looking for ways to improve and work on our blended family life.
- Eager to Learn
Good for you for knowing there’s work ahead, and committing to handling it for the sake of your relationship, including being open to new ideas.
Expert family counsellors, psychologists, and researchers who’ve worked with and studied blended families have arrived at the “seven-year” span for successful relationships between family members.
Remember, everyone involved needs to adjust their sense of trust, loyalty and understanding of the new people in their lives – especially the children who don’t come to the new situation because they asked for it.
Moreover, there’s often a birth parent that has a negative attitude to the ex-partner’s union, and puts pressure on the children about not accepting or trusting the stepparent. Children need time to learn comfort with both sides, to feel safe, and also to believe they’re being treated equally by their stepparent as that person’s own children.
And you need time, patience, compassion and caring for those children, which you’re trying your best to demonstrate. Good luck.
I'm a high school student in a relationship for 18 months.
My boyfriend now just wants to sit on the couch, is disinterred in anything I want to do, and prefers to be alone. Sometimes, he takes his anger out on me and lectures me. I love him, and he claims that he still loves me.
But there’s another guy that I'm infatuated with.
Should I stay with my temperamental boyfriend or finally move on?
Your new infatuation is your internal signal that this relationship has run its course.
Time to recognize some crucial truths: 1) You do NOT have to accept repeated unwarranted angry outbursts. It’s normal to have disagreements, but, if they’re being resolved by bullying, you’re with the wrong guy. 2) If someone prefers to be alone, don’t wait for crumbs of time together… move on. 3) You don’t require a Replacement Guy, to end a relationship.
Tip of the day:
When one partner’s drinking has the other partner suspicious and judgmental, that’s a drinking problem that needs to be addressed openly, and together.