My boyfriend and I had been together nine months when he confessed to me that he’d cheated on all his girlfriends prior to me.
During our relationship we spent every day together; basically, he had no opportunities to cheat.
Then, one week, he began acting distant and wanting some “alone” time. I gave him space but ended up going through his email that weekend and found he’d begun flirting with a co-worker. I ended the relationship immediately.
It’s been three months since that break-up, and he’s been going to therapy once a week to resolve his self-esteem issues, and better himself.
I recently began talking to him again. He’s said that he’ll continue with therapy as long as he needs to and he’ll begin going to church with me to work on strengthening our relationship. We’ve both agreed not to get back together until he’s finished with therapy.
He’s 25. Can he truly change his ways through therapy?
Should I consider giving him another chance or should I move on?
I still love him, but can’t take another betrayal.
- Betrayed In Houston
Therapy can help most people change their ways IF they come to recognize the pattern of behaviour that needs improvement, and to understand the driving source (e.g. low self-esteem). Then, they must commit to change for their own betterment and not just to please someone else and/or retrieve a relationship.
You’re both on the right track for this to eventually happen. But only time will tell whether he’s determined to carry through the therapy process and the self-awareness and self-monitoring that needs to follow.
Since you love him, it’s worth the time to support his efforts. But stay firm in your long-term plan to let him go the course of change on his own.
My mother passed away a year ago. I was the power of attorney and executor. My two siblings wrongly accused me of taking some of her money. I’d sent them all the documents and proof of her income and bank statements.
Since then, my sister only argues with me and I don't talk to my brother.
My mother wouldn't want us to stay mad. I’ve written them each a letter, not blaming anyone, just apologizing. But I received no response. I still feel anger and resentment.
I’m the youngest daughter; my mother lived with me and I cared for her the most. She spent her last year in a nursing home - her own decision.
It’s sad that I haven't spoken to my family for a year. Sending the letters, on a therapist’s advice, gave me relief that I’ve done all I can but they don't respond.
Will there ever be any kind of resolution?
What else can I do?
- Sad and Angry
Your siblings are working out their own grief, in their own isolating way. They likely have some repressed guilt for not being as involved with your mother as you were. Unfortunately, they’re covering this with some show of greed, focusing on your mother’s finances rather than on her legacy as a parent.
You’ve done the right thing by sending all the documents, and by writing to them. Try again in another six months, and on the anniversary of your mother’s passing.
You were generous and caring to your mother; it’s far healthier for you to stay on the same high road by keeping a door open for future contact, rather than waste energy on anger.
I often read negative stories about relationships – i.e. divorce and infidelity. They’ve given me a pessimistic outlook on love. And witnessing infidelity, fighting, and heartbreak in relationships around me only enhances this.
I’d like to develop a more positive attitude towards love, and believe I can offer a lot in a relationship.
- Needing Assurances
Fortunately, there are still millions of people in satisfying, loving, faithful relationships. Look to these people when you run across them – whether older or younger, at work in your neighbourhood or extended family. Note that they focus on positives: e.g. they have problems sometimes, but face them by seeking solutions, not fights; they remain faithful by staying closely connected to each other.
Consider those negative stories as warning signals only, that relationships take people like you who have a lot to offer, and also know to work at continuing to do so.
Tip of the day:
A cheater can reform through understanding what motivated him/her, and how to replace that behaviour.