Through 15 years, I slowly realized I wasn't feeling loved by my wife, but stayed for the kids, ages five to thirteen, when I met a woman through work. There was no flirting or sexual innuendo, just a great professional relationship.

But after more than a year, we both confessed love. We decided not to pursue our feelings (she had children, mostly grown) - no dates or clandestine meetings.

After several months, she left her husband. I told my wife of my feelings, we went to counselling, but after six months, I moved out. I later moved in with my love. We've been together for ten years.

I had regular visits with my children. My partner helped me keep them in my life. But she started to feel secondary to them.

She was waiting for me to be a full partner. We went to couples' counselling, had an 18-month trial separation (with close contact), moved back together nine months ago, but it's not getting better.

She wants to date others and suggested I move out, though we still love each other. She just can't wait any longer.

She says we'll probably get back together in the future but for now she needs to find life while she can. Do I carry on and wait for her, staying friends until we can be together again? Or move on with my life?

Devastated

Move on. Your family commitment didn't work for her and it may be that even with grown children, marriages and grandchildren, it still won't. She's open to meeting others, possibly one who focuses entirely on her. Waiting didn't suit her; so don't let it suit you.

The future is unknown, but you must live in the present. Suggest you re-connect in six months, to see where you each are in your lives. But don't keep contact throughout. She needs to know what it is to NOT have you as a fallback plan.

I grew up in a close-knit family, which included my aunt's family. Many decades ago I moved away, had my own family. Five years ago, I inherited some money. Relatives surfaced and spread rumors of enormous amounts (untrue).

I never corrected this error. My aunt's husband was insulted that he and his family hadn't been told the details. He believed the rumors, and was extremely rude to my mother and me on the phone.

He finally blew up and called us both "betrayers" and my husband an "accomplice" for being secretive.

My elderly aunt's been seriously ill so I ignored his accusations. He's not apologized. My aunt now wants to see me but my husband refuses to go. Should I leave things alone and lead my own busy life?

I'd like to be able to later attend the funeral. I feel guilty not visiting this sick aunt, but feel this uncle still isn't fond of me. He has my cousins (in their 50s) under his control, so they're not allowed to invite me to their homes. However, I have friends there.

Torn

Visit your aunt. Urge your cousins to meet you for dinner out, if they hold back from inviting you home. The uncle is an old bitter man with a dying wife... and he never knew that you didn't have a windfall to share. Ignore him.

You're the one with health and a good life, and a bond with this aunt. Sure, there may be a difficult moment or two with the uncle... just say, "Uncle, you believed a rumour that wasn't true." Then focus on the real reason you're there.

FEEDBACK Regarding the headline to your April 5, 2011 column: "Many couples do get past an affair."

Reader - "I didn't get past it and it'll be 50 years of marriage this year, 45 years past the affair, and it's never been the same as the first five years.

"Why didn't I get out, leave this failed marriage? I'm still here 45 years later, two kids later, and wish I'd left. What's wrong with me that I stayed so long? I regret every day that I never left 45 years ago."

Regrets

It doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you. Times were different, divorce less common, and acceptance of it less. Perhaps you wisely knew what you couldn't handle alone. Or you had natural fears that held you back, hopes that things would get better, and children to care for.

You can still leave, if you want.