My boyfriend of eight months and I are early-50's. My children are grown, he has a son, seven, whom I desperately want to accept, but he drives me nuts.

He's loud, talks incessantly... silly stuff, e.g. "Look... the tree is purple." He's always jumping around, yelling, and screaming. My boyfriend says, "He's just a kid."

I had a previous relationship, which didn't work for the same reasons. Around the child, I get tightness in my chest, a sad mood, and want to run away.

I've suggested they spend their time together and I'll do my thing, but he was furious.

I've finally met someone whom I want to spend my life with.

Desperate

The problem, as you realize, is you. The boy's doing his best to attract you with his chatter (he hoped you'd laugh at the "purple tree.") He's running about, partly due to nervousness in your stiff, disapproving company. If you don't change, his father will have to move on.

Get counselling. Your reaction through two relationships shows you need to probe your anxieties about re-entering the "mothering" role, and come to grips with what you can and cannot handle.

Our son has often been violent with us when he wasn't getting his way. He's also attacked his siblings if they wouldn't give him something.

For high school, his wealthy grandparents enrolled him at an elite school without first consulting us. (We couldn't afford this expense; the local public school's excellent.) They're now lavishing him with gifts and supporting his bad-mouthing us.

Sadly, he's a compulsive, skilled liar, but utterly charming. In his first year of university, he stopped going to classes after Reading Week. Earlier, he'd said that he received a "scholarship" to go to another city for one of his classes. His grandparents gave him money for the flights. His ex-girlfriend was attending university there. He didn't go, because she couldn't be reached. There was no scholarship.

We discovered emails written from my husband's computer to one of his professors, alleging that he suffers a chronic, devastating medical illness. Our son became enraged with his father when the emails were discovered, and attacked him.

Afterwards, the grandparents phoned and I advised them of everything and sent copies of the emails, which they dismissed. He moved to be with them.

Recently, we discovered he's failed one class and withdrawn late from the other three. The grandparents are convinced he had a brilliant academic year and supplied him with an apartment, believing he'd return for his second year. Should we tell them what happened, or, let them figure out his true nature on their own?

PS. We recognize that he's very ill, and sent him to therapists and psychiatrists. But he wasn't truthful during the sessions. Now he's an adult, we cannot force him to go. We pursue therapy for ourselves and recognize we all had a role in this tragedy. The grandparents don't show interest in our other children. He was their first grandchild.

Moral Dilemma

Deal with your son, first. Alert him that his grandparents will eventually know the truth and it's better if he tells them himself.

Discuss this in your own therapy sessions, to understand your motives for informing the grandparents. They've invested all their hopes and love in this child, and may even realize that he's not all they dream.

Meanwhile, stay as supportive of your son as possible, and raise some options for his future... e.g. career counselling, and provide contact numbers for emergency help when he finally crashes.

FEEDBACK Regarding "strip clubs" and the woman who was upset about her husband's frequent visits (Feb. 24):

Reader - "The essence of these clubs is sex, pure and simple. Whether the sexual act is pure voyeurism or includes other "services," this guy is participating in live sexual activity with other women. Is that respectful to his wife? No. I doubt he'd be enthused about her going to a male strip club with girlfriends several times a month and getting all that is on offer there by young, buff male strippers.

"She expressed her concern to him and he laughed it off. That, in itself, is a big red flag about this guy's respect for her feelings.

"If he's concerned about his friends thinking he's "whipped," then he's immature and needs to man up. If he can't do that, he can avoid the strip clubs by simply not being available on those nights."