I need to know if what I feel is true love.
I met this man online a year ago. He’s been separated for four years and has two kids. I’m divorced with two kids.
By the third date he was declaring love for me. I fell head over heels in love with him.
Five months later he broke it off abruptly, because he realized he “wasn’t really ready,” then reached out to me a few moths later.
He didn't want to file for a divorce from his ex for financial reasons, and didn't want her or his kids knowing that he's moved on, lest she seek full custody.
I said I’d wait for him. But I soon realized I wasn't a priority, more like his "side chick.”
When we’re together, I don't doubt that he cares about me. But when we're not together physically, I wasn't getting the love, attention and affection I needed to reassure me.
During the holidays I understood that he needs to be with his kids along with the ex-wife, but he didn’t spare an hour for me.
I told him how I felt and we broke up after Christmas. But I'm finding it so hard to get over him.
He says he can't bring himself to fully commit and, having seen photos of my huge family, it's not something he wants to be part of.
Do I cut him off, move on, and be miserable? Or should I stay as “friends with benefits” until he's ready to commit? I’ll feel miserable either way but 5% of the time I’ll be happy being with him.
He also doesn't want to get married again and doesn't want any more kids. I wanted both, but I'm willing to give up on those to be with him common-law, with no kids, as long as he’s faithful and devoted to only me.
Waiting on True Love
Love can’t thrive on 5% happiness for one partner.
The answer to your question is sadly obvious: Yes, you’ve loved him truly, but No, it’s not mutual. He loves himself more.
He isn’t willing to rock his comfort level – financially especially – to make accommodations in his life to be with you.
Thousands of post-divorce couples figure out how to keep their children a priority along with their new partner. This man prefers your FWB relationship.
But you have much more to offer to an equally shared loving relationship. Don’t waste your time and self-worth waiting on someone who’s already withholding love from you.
I’m a male who was cheated on with my then-wife by a brother. My wife’s now deceased.
A person’s character follows them for life. Why some people get so hurt and claim themselves as victims, is understandable.
However, I took a different approach: I’m honourable, you’re dirt.
My wife has passed away. I love my brother. Mistakes happen.
Being honourable is it’s own reward. Let dirt figure their life out.
Done With the Past
I’m not sure that being “honourable” is the accurate way to describe your reaction to this extramarital affair. “Bitter” is the word that comes immediately to my mind. It’s also understandable, though you pride yourself on not being a victim.
As for your brother, if you can rise to forgiveness, good for you. But the fact that you felt a need to write this shows you’re still struggling with what happened. Calling your deceased wife “dirt” just buries any real understanding of why she cheated.
I’m happily married (nine years) with two children, but I have an irritating problem with my sister-in-law (SIL). My husband’s brother adores her, so puts up with her constantly changing her mind.
But my family suffers the fallout of her suddenly deciding to NOT go on a week’s joint rental of a cabin that we paid for, after I’ve packed and got the kids excited about it.
Or, we agree to all meet at a family movie, or a skating rink, etc. and they don’t show up.
I don’t want to have a family feud, but I can’t count on anything we initially plan.
Make your own plans. Let your SIL and husband know where you’re going to be, say they’re welcome to join you, but don’t count on it.
Also, only book outings or trips you can afford yourselves so that it doesn’t matter if her family doesn’t participate. Better to avoid disappointment and a family rift.
Tip of the day:
Don’t accept only the smallest slice of the “true love” that you want.