I'm involved long-distance (four months) with a man I could easily fall in love with.

We've spent only 48 hours together in person due to my work/vacation schedule and illness in his family. But we Skype an hour daily.

We plan a two-week get-together soon.

Awhile back, he mistakenly sent me an email meant for another woman.

Nothing sexual or suggestive – he wrote he might be in her vicinity the next day, would she have time for a cup of tea.

I was flabbergasted and hurt. Initially, he said they’d very briefly dated while she’d been separated (now reconciled with her husband), that there’d NEVER been anything sexual between them, so WHY would I be upset?

I almost cancelled our plans to get together. Unhappy at possibly losing me, he consulted his sister who said he was in the wrong.

Via Skype, he gave me a heartfelt, remorseful apology.

He’s in his 60s and wonderful to me in many ways.

Being Cautious

Caution’s essential when you’ve only spent 48 hours together.

But this makes me wonder how you can convince yourself you’re falling in love. You’re building emotions mostly out of your anticipation and imagination.

A “wait-and-see” as to what you two are like together, is the wiser approach.

You need to see where and how he lives, and what his company is like over many days together.

The “incident” was a shock because it revealed he had friendly feelings towards a former date. He has a much longer past than that which you’ll have to accept, and vice versa on his part.

My son, 19, is one credit shy of his high school diploma. But he’s messed around for two years, in and out of jobs.

He mostly stays home, plays video games, and sleeps much of the day. He has no plans or goals.
Although we don’t give him spending money, he lives at home free. When we try to discuss anything it turns into a huge argument.
He’s very charming, outgoing, and friendly, but seems lacking any motivation.

Many of his friends are finishing their second year at university.
We’ve considered kicking him out, but feel that without a job, that’s too harsh.

Frustrated and Desperate Parents 

You’re not alone, as many parents have experienced a near-adult child in a similar state of confusion, lassitude, and near-depression about the future.

Kicking him out IS harsh and also can go two ways – and the second one is onto the streets.

You still can play an important parental guiding role beyond just housing him - finding ways to encourage him towards beginning independence and responsibility.

Start with an experienced career counselor who’ll help him probe his own potential and gain confidence. He needs objective help assessing his interests and talents, and also addressing his fears of failure.

Once encouraged, insist that he start something, anything, as a first step – a course, workshops, apprenticeship, and finishing high school, whatever – in order to “earn” his free room and board.

This requires going out in daytime hours (his sleeping’s a sign of depression) and limited video watching. He may be addicted and if so, may need a therapist who helps him with behaviour modification techniques.

Remember, if he had an “illness,” you’d do everything in your power to get him treatment. This is a similar campaign as a family. So let him know you’re on his side.

Give him a time limit – e.g. six months - for trying a fresh approach towards a life in which he feels he has value.

FEEDBACK Regarding recovering from the loss of a beloved pet (March 24):

Reader – “Losing a pet can be heartbreaking. I now volunteer for the Jack Russell Terrier Rescue of Ontario. Most breeds have rescue societies that need volunteers, and these agencies can be found in many locations.

“The love and care you provide to a rescued animal will give more love back than you can imagine. You will be honouring your cherished and much-missed pet's memory by giving of yourself.

“Rescue societies also need foster homes for short-term stays of pets, so if you feel you're not ready to adopt, consider helping a pet with stability and nurturing temporarily.”

Ellie – Many thanks to all the Readers who’ve sent in a wide choice of ideas and suggestions to help pet-owners who’ve experienced a loss, to recover from their grief. To see columns in which these are published, click on Archives in www.ellieadvice.com.