My boyfriend and I just moved in together. Previously, he said he used to gamble online a lot, but stopped. I've made it clear that I think gambling’s dangerous and unhealthy.

I've asked him if he ever gambles anymore and he said no. Recently, I saw some gambling icons on his computer and asked why they were there. He said, “Probably from when I used to gamble."

But I later found in his computer history - usually deleted - that he’d been on gambling websites.

This really bothers me. I'm worried he'll become addicted, but mostly upset that he lied. I already have had trouble trusting him.

Serious Issue

Confront, and make it a deal-breaker. Or you’re setting yourself up to be agitated, suspicious, and a continuing snoop.

Say upfront that his lie reveals that he’s “attached” to gambling enough to sneak around. Say you’ll support any real effort to deal with this (through Gamblers’ Anonymous, or therapy).

Otherwise, you won’t accept having to monitor his gambling. And you won’t live with it. There’s no point staying together if he won’t give this up for the sake of the relationship.

(Note: this hard-line means there are habits/ interests of yours, which YOU may have to re-consider if they negatively affect your union.)

My sister’s been married 17 years, with kids aged eight and 12. She’s drifting away from her family. Her husband recently suffered a nervous breakdown, but she didn't tell me the reason for his hospitalization until a month later.

He’s constantly in conflict with someone - his parents, brothers, now it’s my parents for reasons I don’t know.

I've offered help and that I'm there for her. I love her kids, but she makes it difficult to see them, always with excuses.

They don't spend any special holidays with our side of the family.

My niece is having her communion soon, but I’ve heard no plans. I fear that no get-together is planned.

I want to go to the church, invited or not, on her special day and give her a gift.

I want to be a part of my niece and nephew's lives. We live 30 minutes from each other and I understand they have their own lives, but family is family, and I think the kids are paying the price.

My niece will sometimes call me and say things like, "I haven't seen you in ages." All I can say is, "I know and I really miss you." How can I make this work without interfering?

Worried Aunt

Be honest – you’re considering “interfering.” A family is for support, and that’s what’s needed, not attitude. Your sister obviously has a tough time with an argumentative, mentally fragile husband.

Your Aunt role is to stay in touch with her kids - by email, bringing a gift for special occasions, inviting them to your place.

Tell your sister you want to come to the church, without blaming her for not planning anything. She may have good reasons with a husband who might argue with someone and ruin the event.

Just say you want to congratulate your niece and give her a gift.

Ask your sister out to lunch sometime (just you two), call her, keep up contact however you can. She’s likely going to need you some day, fast.

However, IF you suspect there’s abuse happening to her or the children, ask her and encourage that she privately seek counselling. She’d need to boost her confidence if she someday plans leaving, for her and the kids’ safety.

I told my boyfriend of eight months that I loved him, after trying for months to decide if I should say it.

He said he's not ready to say it yet. I'm totally hurt and rejected. I'm not sure how to move past it. All of his behaviour led me to believe that he feels the same.... but he doesn't.

Sad

No reason to be “sad,” unless you’re needy, more than in love. Being “not ready” is a fair and honest answer.

Depending on his age, “love” may for him mean having to plan a long-term future while still too young to be sure of what he’ll want later. Again, that’s fair.

However, if you feel used, e.g. if the relationship’s more about sex than enjoying each other’s company, sharing interests, going to fun things together… then his “not ready” could be a signal you actually needed to get, to move on.