My son is feeling down on himself lately and I don’t know how to help him. He took a gap year between high school and university, travelled and worked all around South America. He became proficient in Spanish speaking and can read signs and menus. He helped build a schoolhouse and three homes in a small village and learned many new skills, including basic plumbing. He made friends from around the world and had a girlfriend, his first, for a few months until she returned to her home country.

He had applied to university before he left, was accepted to his first-choice program, and deferred until this September. He got into the residence of his choice and was looking forward to starting uni this month and being with several of his high school friends once again.

But now he’s home from his trip; the mad rush of unpacking just to pack and organize for school has abruptly ended; the intensity of move in and freshmen fun is waning and he’s feeling flat and blue.

How can I help him through this transition period?

Lull

The transitions are the worst time for anyone. I recently saw a post from a mom whose young daughter was returning from summer camp, and she was concerned about the transition. My nephew recently returned from a semester abroad and we were all concerned about his transition.

It’s part of life and we all live through it. These periods are the bridge between one incredible experience in your life to the next. Some are shorter than others, easier than others, but generally they give us pause. That’s a good thing. It’s important to reflect on where you’ve just come from – what you’ve learned, what you did, how you grew – and then prepare for where you’re going.

It sounds as though your son didn’t get the chance to debrief from his gap year before being thrust into this year. If he’s close by, go out for dinner with him and ask him to tell you about his trip. Show you some of his highlight photos, talk in-depth about his favourite five people whom he met along the way, and have him teach you some Spanish words. If you can do this once a week for a few weeks, it’ll be helpful.

If he’s too far away (you mentioned he’s living in residence), set up a Zoom call so he can share his screen, and you can see his photos. And, if he’s a typical teenage boy and not into that, just call him often and talk. He’ll start to fall into the groove of his new school year and start to live his life more. Just be there for him every step of the way.

I have three sisters and between us we have nine children, ranging in age from 10 to three months. Three of us love nothing more than to get the kids together and let them play. One of those sisters has a pool, so we’re often there in the summer. And we have a farm, so we’re always hosting everyone up there as well.

The fourth sister, one of the middles, is always too busy, or “not in the mood” to bring her kids to either venue. What gives?

Defunct Sis

You haven’t given me enough info to tell you why your sister is MIA. Maybe all those little kids are too overwhelming for her. Maybe she feels mom-judged by you three. Maybe she’s going through some personal stuff she hasn’t shared.

I suggest a sisters-only afternoon. No kids. Maybe she just needs you three and a break. Talk to her, hug her and ask her. Hopefully she’ll tell you what’s going on.

FEEDBACK Regarding nap time (May 5; June 23):

Reader – “While napping can be a sign of sleep problems — not just sleep apnea but insomnia — it isn’t necessarily abnormal.  And yes, you can have a full-time job and nap.

“My husband generally had a half-hour nap when he came home from work or even at work (he had an office couch) if he was teaching night school. My best friend also napped between her halftime day job and her evening job.  Napping at work is encouraged in Japanese businesses which often have sleep pods and quiet rooms. The afternoon siesta was long a custom in hot countries.  And many sleep experts recommend naps of between 20 to 30 minutes daily.

“I think each person must decide what works for them, i.e., what leaves them feeling most energized and able to function well.”

Lisi – I’m not a napper, but I agree with your last sentence.