My wife and I argue often, sometimes in front of our children. My biggest stress - she’s so disorganized and messy, so I have to bear most of the household responsibilities.

We both work, and I’ve set up kids’ responsibilities - stuff like picking up after themselves, daily chores, etc.
However, my wife leaves empty glasses on her night table or in the bathroom, throws her jacket on the floor, and leaves piles of papers and things everywhere.

Or, she “cleans up” by throwing everything in drawers or bins. When I ask her to clean something, she yells at me not to treat her like a child.

I say we share this household and need to share responsibilities. If she feels I don't contribute enough to something, I’m willing to listen and accommodate.

Nothing works. Instead, she’s so defensive, and explosive. So I hold onto the anger and feel increasingly detached from her.
She knows that living with lots of clutter stresses me out. I feel she doesn't care enough about me, or our relationship, to even make the effort.
Her parents say she was always very messy and her neat-freak mom just cleaned after her.

How can I reduce the stress this is putting on our marriage?

Tense Over Clutter

Understand that looking at your own part in this divide doesn’t mean that you’re wrong. But the stress is within you, not her.

Consider what else she contributes – e.g. she works, just like you. You have kids together, so look at her part in raising them – driving to activities? Homework? Cooking? You need to see her efforts in all aspects of the marriage, not just this one area that for some reason pushes your buttons most.

You don’t “have to” clean up after her. You choose to. Her jacket on the floor is hers to bend for and wear creased; her papers shoved in a drawer are also her issue.

Try taking this divide out of the power struggle you two now have. Hire someone to “straighten up” once a week – a few hours is likely affordable and may save considerably on the stress. She may even get used to having someone else (not you, seemingly just like her mother) show her the benefits of having things in their proper place.

Lastly, your tension sounds extreme, unless your marriage has deeper problems. Either way, you’d benefit from getting some counselling on your own… and she’d probably join you if she saw you were trying to deal with your own reactions.

I’m planning my wedding for next July. When I’d asked a longtime friend to be my Maid of Honour, we were close. Two years later, she’s dating a man I don’t like, as he’s emotionally abusive to her.

In retaliation, she’ll make snide remarks about my fiancé. He’s never liked her and I’m regretting my choice.

She isn't all that interested in helping with my wedding. I’ve had to make all the calls and do all the planning.

Annoyed Bride

If you’re close to someone who’s being “emotionally abused,” the decent girlfriend response is to be supportive, not judgmental. It’s clear that your fiancé’s negative feelings about your friend have influenced you. No wonder she “retaliates.”

Instead of focusing only on your wedding, think about the friendship. If you cancel her role as MOH, you’re effectively cutting ties.

Meanwhile, I’m hoping that other future brides will learn from your letter that it’s unwise to decide on your wedding party three years before the event.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s mother, 80, who stopped washing her hair regularly and washing her stained clothes (August 31):

Reader – “I had the same situation with my mom and what worked for us was my inviting her to spend time together, once or twice a week in a gentle “aquacize” class (exercise in a warm pool). I said it was to “help us both keep healthy.”

“Every second time, I take her for lunch or shopping afterwards, and she looks forward to our special date. I make sure she has a change of clothes, then take away her used ones and bring them back clean for our next date.    There’s added benefit - we both exercise and feel and look better!

“This woman might also do as I do sometimes, and take her mother shopping for new clothes. Now you can take stained ones home and clean them for her.”