My husband and I have had a passionate, loving relationship, over 25 years.
Before we met, he had a child with another woman; she didn’t want to keep the baby as she had some emotional problems. The relationship ended badly, with him cutting off ties after the baby was placed for adoption. I knew about this but we rarely discussed it.
Recently, the birth mother contacted my husband, saying she needed closure. She’s had two more children but is now divorced. They met for dinner. She invited him to a party to celebrate her daughter’s wedding, then visited him at his work.
I was distraught, though I understood the two needed to make amends. However, I’ve become obsessed by the whereabouts of their son, has their son been happy, does he look like my children etc. I cannot stop thinking about a possible reunion between him, his birth parents and our families, terrified of the emotions it’ll engender.
Our children don’t know about their half-sibling.
I’d like to support my husband and his former girlfriend and the adoptee (so far he’s not interested in a reunion). But how to deal with my emotions?
I cannot comprehend how my husband could’ve given up his child. I also worry about his relationship with the birth mother.

- Anxiety-Riddled

Focus firmly on the present, or you’ll be the one who lets the past disrupt your marriage and your emotional health, unnecessarily.
Neither your husband nor his son have asked for major changes in the landscape of your life; the woman entered it, but there’s no reason for ongoing contact between Hubby and her. Insist on this.
Any future meeting between father and son does NOT rely on coming together with the mother as a family unit, since it never existed.
Most important, you need to get over your insecurity. You’re The Wife - supportive, loving, but not part of this story which should now be ended.
If your children meet their half-brother, your job is to help them understand it happened before their father met you, that you knew about it, that the mother had reasons for the adoption. How you handle your own emotions about all this, will model for your children how they should react.

My girlfriend of one year, and I, started as an affair - her long-term relationship was in decline; she and her ex eventually broke up.
Now, she’s revealed she’d had repeated affairs during that relationship. I was shocked. I’d thought I was “special,” not part of a pattern.
She said she hasn’t been like that in many years. I’ve asked her to help me understand this tendency; she’s been evasive and either doesn’t really know why she did it, or is just avoiding confessing that she just wanted to fool around.
She gets annoyed when I raise it, so I’ve been researching on the Internet. Most affairs happen because of opportunity; I believe she may be the type to ride her feelings as they come along, making her vulnerable to this again.
Should I pull the plug? I know I played a part, but I don’t generally do this.

- Your Thoughts?

You’re letting pride overrule your own experience with this woman – notably, she’s been with you for a year, and says she’s changed. Believe her.
Your doubts beg the question: Since you also seized “the opportunity” to start an affair with her, why should she trust you? Answer: all relationships involve risk. Go with you heart, not Internet musings.

My mother-in-law guilts us because we live far away; she expects us to constantly visit. But there’s constant gossip, arguing and general displeasure in her home. We dislike each other.
Since our baby’s birth, she’s constantly expressing bizarre worries. I don’t let her baby-sit as I don’t want her disciplining my kids. I dislike her ways, her attitude and I hate that my husbands lies to his parents out of fear.
When I divide my visit home with my own family, there’s more guilt trip from her. It affects my marriage, because I become and argumentative.

- Upset

I hear no effort from you or your husband to resolve the bad feelings and conflicts. Decide what can work when you visit – e.g. stay in a hotel, visit each family for several days, or alternate where you stay each time.
Dealing with her by being angry only entrenches the conflict.