My partner and I separated but remained good friends, seeing each other regularly. We’re late-50s. I wanted to be free because he wanted me to focus only on him - no friends, no outside interest. I finally left.
He’s since told me that his nephew (his sister’s son) is having marital problems and he’s helping the wife because she has a young child.
He’s advised her to leave her husband and he’ll help her.
Days later I had to pick up something from his place and I used his washroom. On the sink counter was a box of medication for erectile dysfunction, which, towards the end of our relationship, he denied needing and wouldn’t discuss with me.
While I was there, his niece-in-law was constantly texting him and I asked him what’s going on. She’s his nephew’s wife and the mother of his sister’s only grandchild. She’s only 28!
He brushed my question aside, and instead said he had coffee “dates” for him to advise her.
This young woman lacks experience to recognize what he’s really like.
I have no doubt that he’s having an affair with her, just months after he was still with me. Do I disclose it?
Disgusted and Bitter
If you want to help this young woman avoid a disastrous union, drop the “bitter” part of your thinking.
You left him for solid reasons. Staying friends is now impossible as he lacks decency.
Tell him you’ll disclose his affair (and his manipulation) of his niece to his sister if he doesn’t end it, fast.
If he persists, disclose, and urge his sister to help the young woman get counselling.
Also, tell her to recommend marital counselling for the couple to try and resolve the issues that made a young wife so vulnerable to this man.
My two daughters are cross-country runners on a “Y” team for ages 8-to-14.
A 9-year-old joined, and her single mother’s begged to have the 7-year-old included.
That was fine until the girl insisted her same-age friend had to join.
Those two youngsters regularly disrupt practices, don’t follow the coach’s instructions, and cry when corrected.
The older girls, the parents, and the coach are getting annoyed with these younger kids. What should we do?
Parents and coaches sometimes have different but equally important life lessons for kids.
Parents do character building, where being “good sports” is about treating teammates fairly and accepting their differing abilities.
The coach focuses what skills a child can and cannot develop within the program.
This coach should decide if these younger girls are making it impossible for the others to progress, and should be asked to return when within the age range (and a proportion of their fee returned).
FEEDBACK Regarding the innocent “girlfriend” whose call to her love of three months was answered by “the wife” (February 15):
Reader – “For a second, I relived what the woman felt when she heard it was her love of three months wife who answered – the hurt and humiliation you feel from learning that you have a cheating partner!
“Even after 40 years since it happened to me, my heart still sank.
“I still ask, How can someone, man or woman, be so cruel to their partner or spouse? How do cheaters feel about themselves?
“Was the gratification from the affair worth the hurt it caused the other partner?
“I hope the letter-writer gets lots of psychological help to restore her self-confidence.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman worried about her obese sister-in-law seeking care giving from her elderly mother-in-law (February. 12):
Reader – “Despite little compassion for her sister-in-law, her concern for her mother-in-law is understandable/legitimate. Shouldn’t the mother have some say and her own needs considered?
“What about the years ahead since she’s almost 80?
“You advised a few ways to make co-habitation and care easier. The letter-writer and her husband should meet with his mother to express their concerns.
“Unless she’s enthusiastic about living with/caring for her obese middle-aged daughter, other options should be explored.”
Ellie – My main suggestion was that the woman’s husband should get involved and discuss the logistics with his mother, e.g. his sister’s care could be arranged through a community agency, bypassing her mother as caregiver.
Yes, other options should also be considered, such as his sister moving to an assisted-living facility if her mother can’t handle the inevitable extra load.
Tip of the day:
When control/manipulation are involved in an extra-marital affair, disclosure should be directed at helping the vulnerable person involved.