This is a second question about my boyfriend of six months with whom I already have trust issues.
I also feel jealous from his insensitive comments that hurt and angered me.
I'm jealous when he’s nice to random females like waitresses. I distrust him when he’s overly friendly to my female friends (he touched one on her back) and too nice to them.
I felt insecure when we shared our sex fantasy. His was big boobs (mine are small). He’s mentioned that certain clothes don't suit me because I don't have big boobs.
I can't get past those little comments that hurt me. I’m insecure and weak emotionally.
We both want to have a deep, healthy relationship. But from these hurts, I feel that our relationship is shallow.
Most of the fault is mine because I'm holding onto his early mistake (communicating with his ex for two weeks after we started dating).
I was aggressive, threatening and expressed my anger a lot then. He was generous and tolerant but now he’s lost energy for it, and I can't be positive or confident anymore.
I want to stay together and be happy, but feel anxious about our relationship and about myself.
Is he just not the right guy for me? I still think he’s a good guy but I have negative feelings. He doesn’t make me feel secure.
The Wrong Guy?
He may be a good guy, and he’s certainly shown strong feelings for you since he’s stayed through six months of your sometimes-aggressive anger.
However, if he’s regularly flirting with other women (which isn’t clear), that’s a No-No as is body-shaming you about small breasts (which he must stop).
But it’s also possible that no man’s presently able to be “right” for you, until you get therapy to address your insecurity, and for anger management, too.
Once you’re involved in that process, and understand more about yourself, couples’ counselling would either improve things or make it clear to you both that it’s time to move on.
Just don’t rush the counselling or avoid it. Or you’ll likely carry insecurity to the next relationship, too.
My best friend from college has hurt me so deeply, I think I can’t be close with her any more.
Along with two other girlfriends in our class we were all going to buy our graduation dresses together and have a celebration dinner before going separate ways.
We hadn’t yet chosen a shopping date when I had to go out of town for five days because my fiancé’s parent had died. (I’d only recently become engaged).
When I returned the day before graduation, I discovered that my “bff” had chosen the dress and ordered it for the three of them, later saying that she “forgot” me.
I bought a dress last-minute, attended the dinner but can hardly speak to her.
Do I tell her this or just be “too busy now” with my wedding plans. (She’s missing it as she’s starting a job across the country one month before the date).
Friend or Foe?
A once-best friend should be told how hurt you were about being left out of the purchase.
She may protest that it was a mistake but you need to then raise the friendship. Ask if there’s a problem.
If she has real issues, talk about them. If not, she may be jealous about your engagement, but then, she’s not a true friend. And you can say so.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the step-mother and husband who found their young grandson’s behaviour “too rude” (July 15):
“This “faux-grandma” obviously did something to upset her stepdaughter and the grandfather expects a child, eight, to understand his adult emotional perspective about what’s "rude."
“No wonder the boy's mother breaks down and cries, and she and the child can't enjoy the beach holiday with them.
“The step-grandma was placing obligations on them for a gift she chose to give them.
“As someone who was emotionally smothered by her kind of "loving encouragement," I'd suggest advising distance next time.
“They all apparently lack family communication skills and need professional help.
“Showing up to hockey games isn't going to do anything but exacerbate the issue.
“Think of it from the child's perspective and the damage people like step-grandma can do.”
Ellie – Agreed that the problem isn’t the child. All can do better if they care most about him.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship has you feeling insecure, counselling can reveal whether it comes from within you or him/her.