A woman keeps contacting my boyfriend, which I haven’t liked. Especially because he used to hang out with her on holiday and they slept on the same bed (he claimed they’ve never had sex).
I told my boyfriend that I just don’t trust that.
He said that I’m jealous, and they’re friends for 10-plus years and nothing’s going on there… she’s a friend who meant a lot to him.
I kept raising this and he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to end this relationship.
Am I right to tell my boyfriend my feelings about this and yet he still kept doing it and entertaining his friend who meant a lot to him?
I, personally, would stop doing something if my boyfriend doesn’t like it and tells me so.
I’m thinking of writing to this woman - here’s a draft of my letter:
“You’re causing so much trouble in our relationship!! He’s having a hard time falling in love with someone (the letter-writer) who doesn’t trust him because of you. Yet, he didn’t want us to break up. So, please stop sending messages to him!”
Am I Just Jealous?
Yes, you’re jealous, for reasons which he’s doing little to dispel.
Unless in a very first relationship, most adults have had very close friends or former hangout buddies with whom they once shared a bed to sleep and perhaps sometimes more.
Now, in a new serious relationship, some openness is required regarding the long-time friend who’s still in contact - even an introduction - with the message to all that the old friendship is only that, nothing more.
Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to have got that message across to his friend. Instead, he’s blaming you for a natural reaction in the face of their repeated contact.
But No, I don’t think you should write to her. It’ll make him look weak to both of you and he’ll resent you for it.
You need to decide, then state to him, what you can and cannot accept.
If you can’t accept at all that this woman was his very close friend for years, move on.
If you can’t accept that he labels you jealous rather than tries to better reassure you, and also doesn’t ask her to back off somewhat, move on.
Or this’ll be your pattern as a couple - him blaming, you overreacting - until it ends.
Reader’s Commentary One senior’s shared thoughts on COVID-19:
“Because one person got sick, I can't see my children or granddaughter.
“Because one person got sick, I can't do simple things like go to the mall.
“Because one person got sick, I have a planner with no plans.
“Because one person got sick, there are no airplanes in the sky.
“Because one person got sick, I now stand in line for groceries.
“Because one person got sick, I believe that I’ll never see my family again.
“Because one person got sick, one day is the same as the next.
“Because one person got sick, we have a new every-day vocabulary... stay safe, social distancing, front-line work, isolation.
“Because one person got sick, depression statistics will skyrocket.
“Because one person got sick, we cannot celebrate happy occasions or grieve sad times together.
“Because one person got sick, we will see more seniors affected by physical and mental health conditions related to COVID-19.
“Because one person got sick, the ordinary became extraordinary when it was taken away.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband, with both working from home in a small apartment during the pandemic, is Such A Slob (April 17):
Reader – “I’m sure that this enforced “together” time will ultimately result in many partners like this woman questioning whether “do I really need this relationship anymore?”
“The fact that this spouse is fretting about the virus possibly coming into their apartment on a neighbour’s cat’s collar, really illustrates that she’s at the other end of the spectrum (of coronavirus concerns) to her spouse.
“I don't think her husband is internally stressed at all. He’s just “bolshie” (defiant) and cavalier about continuing his way of life which she has pandered to.”
Ellie - It’s more than the cat-collar that’s a red flag. He brings home take-out food orders without wearing gloves or wiping the bags and containers.
She should insist on safety. Later, the marriage needs a major re-set if it’s to last.
Tip of the day:
Jealousy is sometimes a natural reaction against a partner not offering a respectful solution to a past relationship that persists.