My boyfriend of eight years went out of town for a week, and on the weekend I invited some friends over. A girlfriend since childhood spent the night and we shared my bed. When my boyfriend learned this, he didn’t approve, got upset and thinks that I had a sexual encounter with her. 

I was dumbfounded that he’d think I’d do such a thing. He can’t understand how two women can share a bed. I explained that it’s normal for females. He thinks it was wrong and that something definitely happened. The more I try to explain it to him, the more we fight. He thinks I’m being defensive; I think it’s about his insecurity and trust with me.

Anything I do, he constantly questions me and I get very angry when those same questions get asked?

- Dumbfound

It’s funny how a single incident can bring your situation into sharp focus. This sleepover saga reveals that you’ve spent eight years with an insecure control freak… but here’s what’s new: you see clearly how demeaning it is to be badgered by him about your innocent actions. 

He’s currently after you on something you find so preposterous that you finally recognize that his distrust is his problem, not yours. Stop fighting with this jerk. Instead, insist he smartens up, believes you and never hounds you with mistrust again or he’ll be sleeping alone… after you dump him.

I’m a male cross-dresser in my early 60’s, self-employed and working out of my home, which provides me with ample opportunity to express my feminine side in this manner. My wife knows and is moderately accepting, but doesn’t want to see me when dressed as my alter ego. 

We’ve managed by having a set of boundaries and adopting a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. However, she’ll be retiring shortly, will be at home all the time and I’ll face a whole new set of restrictions regarding my cross-dressing. I fear this will introduce a new strain into our relationship, and come down to whose needs trump whose.

I understand her aversion to my cross-dressing as this isn’t considered a “normal” activity for men, bit I also worry about the psychological effects on me in having to suppress an integral part of my being and gender identity.

Any advice on working around this dilemma and still preserving what is otherwise a good marriage?

- Conflicted

You two already have a good model for problem-solving: “boundaries.” Discuss this ahead as a “partnership need,” not a win-lose battle. You can both compromise to create new patterns and boundaries that’ll work – e.g. she could take a course or meet friends regularly, several times a week. 

OR, since you’re the one still working, you could rent a part-time private office space. As well, your home office should be a “no fly” zone, during certain hours every day. Solutions are available, so long as goodwill exists on both sides.

Your wife would benefit from information through the web site, www.crossdresserswives.com, which offers online support groups for wives (partners) of cross dressing husbands (partners), along with education and resource materials.

I have an active sense of humour and sometimes make off-colour remarks in mixed company. My boyfriend says it’s not appropriate. Is he right? 

- Muffled

Smutty comments are best accepted when delivered by stand-up comics who get paid for saying the outrageous. In personal gatherings, they often give an impression of a potty mouth, or just bad taste. Laugh to yourself.

Recently, I found an email from my boyfriend’s old female friend, indicating they’d gone out the day before. I’d suspected something because when she was added to his social network site, I was blocked from assessing his friends’ lists. He said it was an error, unblocked me, but erased anything indicating he has a girlfriend (three years). 

He swears he’s not cheating. But he wouldn’t answer definitively whether he did go out with her, saying I should have more faith in him, he wants to stay with me.

How should I respond? Did I overreact? Should I confront the girl?

- Uncertain

He’s been caught out, and is hedging his answers, hoping this confrontation will pass. Give him one more chance –a real one, without snooping, site-checking, or going after his friend. 

Tell him you’ll show absolute trust; but if he encourages this woman - or any another - it’s over between you, period.