My wife of 7 years and I were fine until my stepson, graduated high school 18 months ago.
 He’s a good kid but very lazy. He works part-time, 10-14 hours weekly; the rest of the time he does nothing around the house with no interest in going back to school.
 In one of our many arguments, his mother says I have no say in what her son does, it’s none of my business. I believe that if I’m working to pay 1/2 the household bills along with her, I definitely have a say on what goes on here. Right?
 Whenever I ask her to tell her son to do something, she gets defensive or makes excuses why he can’t do a particular chore. He’s mostly sleeping after being out with friends all night several nights a week, with no curfew.
 My stepson and stepdaughter (she’s 14) never suffer consequences from either getting suspended from school to getting several detentions through the year. My wife laughs it off with them after hearing their side of the story. It seems as though she’s afraid to upset them.
 Now, m wife has threatened to divorce me, stating I’m either too controlling or, her ever popular claim, that I want to start an argument because I’ve been drinking. She says I’m the bad guy by pressuring her to get her son to either work full-time and help with some bills or go to school full-time. Meanwhile he’s just wasting his life under my roof and it’s just fine with Momma.
 How can I get his mother to cut the umbilical cord?

-Furious and Fed Up! 

Back off your self-righteous approach, or head for a divorce lawyer, as you’re bringing zero understanding to this fairly common situation, and helping escalate it.
 BOTH of you are wrong – your wife for her indulgence, you for cold distancing. Many young people struggle with this turning point. Yes, this young man needs some structure, but mostly, he needs encouragement, especially as he’s basically a “good kid.” You two should be seeking good career counselling for him – community agencies and private practitioners offer this.
 His interests and talents should be discussed by all of you; perhaps he can volunteer, or get an internship that will help him decide the next steps for his future. By the way, if you ARE raising this after drinking, it’s wasted breath that pre-defeats your position, and is naturally turning off your wife.
 Your stepson would get far more motivated by a step-father who shows he cares, and by a mother who doesn’t feel she has to over-protect him. 

My in-laws are so toxic I’m refusing to see them on their own.
 My husband, his sister, both parents, are severely co-dependent. My father-in-law, especially, is rude, narcissistic, controlling, manipulative. He once physically threatened me because I wasn’t submitting to his control; my husband eventually apologized to me, but never confronted his dad.
 My husband and I are now in therapy; I’m learning my part was not having my own healthy boundaries, and that I’ve held such incidents against my husband.
 Is a relationship with my in-laws necessary for my marriage to survive? I believe I’m being flexible just by agreeing to group activities that include them.

-Wits’ End

Hubby has to agree that his family is too toxic for you to be with them alone; you have to accept his need to still see them without you.
 Your marriage counsellor can help you work out this compromise, which respects your separate needs and rights.

I’m a white North American married 15 years to an Egyptian man. His widowed mother resides in Egypt with his sister but wants to return here.
 Culturally, the children are responsible for their elderly parents’ care. My mother-in-law, 80, requires 24-7 care as she’s immensely overweight, cannot walk etc. My sister-in-law’s asking my husband for a commitment; she feels she’s had her mother long enough.
 Previously, I couldn’t stand it after a day (she’s very demanding). This may be for years. I wouldn’t expect my husband to take in my mother.

-What To Do?

Investigate the resources in his cultural community here, to explore different options. You’re not the first of his background to face this decision, so there may well be a retirement home with other Egyptian residents, a community centre for day care, home nursing care, etc., all of which could ease the responsibility.