My wife of 31 years is a wonderful cook, looks great, we both love golf and play together every weekend.
However, she’s never told me what turns her on.
She never talks about sex, and erotic movies are out.
We don't sleep in the same bedrooms because I snore; on weekend mornings when I go to her room and get into bed with her, she just lays there.
I do all of the foreplay and satisfy her first.
I’m now having difficulty getting an erection with her.
After six months went by without sex, she complained about it, so I got Viagra and she was happy about it. Yet she's shown no interest in our trying it.
We haven't had sex this year and probably won’t unless she changes her attitude.
What do you suggest?
- Forever Frustrated
It’s hard to expect that you can change patterns you’ve accepted for 31 years. To do so, both you and your wife would have to agree to it.
She likely approved of Viagra, because she saw the need as your problem.
By contrast, how you handled sex in the past has NOT been seen by her as anything wrong. So, your creating a standoff over the Viagra issue isn’t helpful.
Instead, you must decide whether you can carry on as you always have previously, or whether you’re willing to take the risk of saying you want more… or you want out. It IS a risk, and I’m not necessarily recommending it.
Perhaps, when you read the following question from a far younger reader, you’ll gain insight into how couples can get locked into a pattern of avoidance and denial, because they don’t confront a problem early on.
Show the question to your wife, too. It just may help her see that missing out on an active, mutually enjoyable sexual connection in marriage is a sad loss, but there’s still an opportunity at your age too, to turn it around.
I recently married my boyfriend of six months.
In our religion, we don’t sleep with our partner until after we’re married. I think I have a very low sex drive. I don’t enjoy having sex. I love my husband but fear I might not be attracted to him.
Or does it take time to get the feeling of enjoyment from sex?
I sometimes feel nauseated when we have sex and it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.
Please help as this is impacting my relationship with my spouse.
Instead of building up fears and distance, ask your husband to understand your lack of experience and work with you to create more intimacy.
See your doctor to make sure you have no physical/medical problems affecting your sex life.
Get informative material that you and hubby can read together – The Joy of Sex, Revised Edition, by Alex Comfort, is a popular sex manual that countless couples have turned to for similar help.)
Include cuddling, stroking and shared confidences in your lovemaking time.
If, after a few months, you still feel negatively toward sex, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in counselling for this problem.
Must I go to my father’s second wedding?
I’m 14, and he says I have to attend.
His fiancée’s okay but I’m uncomfortable.
Go. You’ll want him at your wedding one day.
He’s showing his love and pride in you, and his commitment to your still being a family together, by wanting you there on this special day.
My friend constantly speaks her mother tongue to her children when in English-speaking company.
She also whispers into her spouse's and children's ears in our presence.
I’ve tactfully said that this is uncomfortable for others.
Her response was that, in her house, she can speak in whatever language she chooses.
How do I handle this?
- Left Out
Ask your friend, in a kindly way, if she sometimes has difficulty with English but doesn’t want to let on about it. If she insists that’s not so, explain clearly that you’re not degrading her language when you want her to stop using it, but rather that you feel excluded when she speaks it in front of you.
If she won’t change that habit, you could ask her to teach you some words and phrases and show sincere interest.
Otherwise, stop visiting her in her home, if it only happens there.
Tip of the day:
An active, loving sex life can be one of the great connectors in marriage.