I'm currently dating a man, 51, who just left his wife but is still living in the same house. He wants to date me but would like to keep me as a secret until the divorce is final - to avoid family gossip.

I'm 45 and single for the past two years. I have three kids and he has two - a son, 17 and daughter, 21. He's very concerned about what his kids will think.

I'm not feeling good about this request for secret dating. Should I give him the benefit of time to get on his feet first before revealing our relationship?

In the Shadows

Reality check: A person living with their spouse has not actually "left." Sure, I know, the separation agreement may be in process or even signed already. And he's certainly got a foot (and other body parts) out the door some of the time when he's with you.

BUT, so long as there are two people who have formerly been attached, staying under the same roof with their minds also focused on mutual concerns such as the effects of divorce on their kids and finances, there's a possibility "it ain't over 'till it's over."

So I say, stop dating - openly or otherwise - until he's out of the house.

Otherwise, staying a secret because of the "family gossip" is just the first of many concessions you're going to have to make - e.g. over worries about some of his friends' reactions, or family events where he must still accompany his wife, etc.

Then there's the time span allotted to "getting on his feet." The longer you're a secret, the longer he can delay, dither, and repeatedly disappoint you.

I've made a terrible mistake. I cheated on my husband.

It was after a miscarriage I'd experienced. I just felt like I wanted to feel like a woman. It was only once, with a stranger, completely safe (we used condoms and exchanged no fluids). It was not fun and did not make me feel good.

As time passed, I felt more and more horrible about what I'd done. I'm now seeing a therapist and will be continuing to do so. If my husband knew, it'd devastate him and our marriage. I have no reason to leave him and no reason to do this to him. He's been a wonderful man and partner.

I will never ever do it again and I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband in a happy and loving marriage. Should I tell him what happened?

Confused

Vent your consuming guilt feelings with the therapist, but do NOT dump this burden on your husband's shoulders, but for one important exception:

If you have any reason to believe that someone else will tell your husband first - someone who saw you, or to whom you confided, or the "stranger" or a person connected to him. In that case, it's better to confess than to be exposed, since the humiliation will then be even harder on your husband.

Above all, stay with your therapy until you can put this episode, and your grief feelings from the miscarriage, behind you.

Dear Readers - Like the question about "confessing" in my August 21 column, the advice above is specific to the writer. But I'm also seeking your opinions and experiences with the issue of whether, and when, to confess an illicit affair; and the result of taking that action.

FEEDBACK One reader's experience with telling on a cheater (see the series on this, July 22/23/34) took an unusual twist:

Reader - "Years ago, my gay (male) partner and I were close friends with a heterosexual couple. The man came from a very religious background. When he made a pass at my partner, he admitted that he was attracted to men but his religious beliefs stood in the way of accepting himself as gay.

"My partner strongly urged him to inform his girlfriend; he didn't, but started having casual sex with other men.

"When he proposed to his girlfriend (to whom I was closer), I told her everything, feeling it was unfair for her to not know. The couple discussed the matter together, and decided to marry anyway. They're together 15 years now, and have two children. It seems we helped the couple open up greater communication in their relationship."

Surprising Result