I'm male, 37, married two years to a wonderful woman but tortured with guilt about a recent affair. At an out-of-town work conference I met someone from another city. It was instant chemistry while totally free from my usual routines.

I love my wife and had never before even thought that I'd be unfaithful. We're talking about starting a family, but I feel sick with shame. Also, the other woman has contacted me at work. She comes to my city on business sometimes and wants to continue seeing each other.

She's in a long-term relationship and doesn't want our "secret" to get out so I'm not worried about that. But I'm torn about whether to tell my wife about the affair. The dishonesty is killing me, especially when I think of becoming a father.

A lot of your readers have written that telling on a cheater is the right thing to do, no matter the outcome. Is this your advice for me?

Tormented

First of all, END this affair. Since you feel crushing guilt already, continuing it would be as self-demeaning as it is duplicitous.

Next, look closely whether something's missing in your marriage. If so, that's where your attention should now be focused, rather than on more escapist trysts. If you've avoided open talks with your wife about lifestyle, communication, intimacy, finances, etc, that's the "reveal" that's needed most.

You may require professional counselling help to have this conversation, where the question of confessing may or may not arise. Decide then.

BUT, if you are not unsatisfied in your marriage, then this "free" fantasy ride can be considered a one-time departure that's taught you to value your chosen life partner even more. It means: Forget the affair and stay mum.

Dear Readers: My advice is specific to the writer's stated problem. But some issues deserve a broader look.

"Telling" is NOT the same as "confession." The much-debated issue in this column of informing a spouse about their partner's infidelity, never touched on a person's own decision to 'fess up. That's a dilemma with its own consequences.

Write me your thoughts and experiences on this sensitive decision.

My daughter, 17, has two boys interested in her - one's from our background, the other isn't. As her father, I haven't yet said she cannot go out with someone as she's always had decent friends.

However, I much prefer the boy from our culture - he's respectful, and has similar values. She prefers the other boy, who's more casual - his dress, manners, undefined goals, etc.

She admits her main attraction is that he's "cute." I've told her how shallow and insignificant that is, but I can't get through to her. Should I just disallow her to date him?

Father's Rules

"Cute" is a bona fide value in the world of teenagers. So is being trusted by parents. Ask her to bring the young man around - casually. That way she can see his manners and style for herself, through your eyes; and you, too, will learn more about the person behind the good looks.

Show normal interest in where they went, how he treats her, etc., - but not as an investigation. Ask questions that get her thinking for herself, even if she brushes you off.

Unless the "hottie" does something wrong, you'll get farther by helping her make her own assessment of him, than by imposing restrictions. Otherwise you could push her far closer to this guy than she'd normally choose.

My son's wife is from a different country and race; when we first met, she was so wary of me she hardly spoke. I believe she anticipated a negative reaction, as my son said it's happened to her before.

But that's not my way at all. I love my son, and want to be able to be involved with any children they have. Though I've welcomed her and been generous and kind whenever possible, it's taking a long time for her to warm up. What else can I do? She won't even hug me hello.

Arms' Length

Be yourself, your decency and kindness will shine through. Her past experience has naturally made her cautious. Enlist your son's help, too, in telling her of your nature and sincerity. Don't push for hugs-on-demand or other forced gestures, it's respect and mutual kindness that matters. The rest can only build naturally over time.