My close childhood friend is moving to the same city as me. My partner says he dislikes her so much, because of past comments, etc. (he won't elaborate), that she's not allowed in our home.

He says he shouldn't have to be uncomfortable in his own home. I say, neither should I; since they'll both be in my life forever, he needs to figure out how to deal with this.

I feel he's being stubborn and a little immature. He feels that I'm purposely upsetting him, with no regard for his feelings.

Am I being insensitive, or does he need to just suck it up?

Translation of "suck it up" - "It's my way or the highway!" He's immature? Actually, it's a toss-up as to which one of you is more so.

HE has some strong reasons for disliking your friend and must speak up, even if it's an unpleasant report; YOU mustn't just ignore a partner's deep concerns. He may even be trying to protect you from information that'll hurt you.

Meanwhile, there are other solutions than just barking at each other. Example: Visit with your friend without him, and at her place, when she moves; go out with her on your own; ask her if she's aware of any issue between her and your partner.

So far, you're being insensitive.

I've been married for nine years, we have twin daughters, six, and a son, three. My wife's a terrific mother and excellent at her job, but whenever I raise problems in our marriage, she gets defensive. She'll change it into me being unkind, that I "don't get it" how busy she is and how hard she's working at everything etc., and we never get to the real problem.

I try to get her to realize that neither of us is able to do any of the things that once made us admire each other.

My wife's a terrific athlete and used to play on women's basketball teams, now she insists there's no time even when I offer to baby-sit. I've always been involved in music, but she gets angry if I try to schedule something regular to keep up my interest.

There's always a reason why doing anything on our own or as a couple just can't happen - mostly due to events directed only to the kids, or she's too tired. How can I get her to see we're losing who we were?

So Frustrated

You need help hearing each other. It's a mistake to think that communicating is just about each person airing his or her own position. If you want your relationship to feel nurturing, you both have to listen harder first, then discuss rather than talk.

But you do have a full family scene that can seem all consuming, especially in the early years. It takes cooperation and joint planning to find "alone" time and even couple time, especially for mothers who often feel emotional (and possibly hormonal) about leaving young children beyond when it's absolutely necessary.

Even when both of you are "right" about your stance in these conflicting views, neither of you is helping your relationship. Your wife's defensive answers are putting up a wall against your feelings; your pushing her to change doesn't show understanding of her internal struggles with her role.

You two would benefit from marital counselling, to help re-discover your romantic feelings and compassion for each other. Keep going until you hear and respond to each other with real caring.

Years back, my co-worker, an attractive but fragile woman, was living with another co-worker who habitually cheated. The local small-town wives informed her; she left him.

Her friends hatched a plan to do a makeover and introduce her to a single, handsome, and very decent guy. She looked gorgeous, he was smitten. It seemed the ideal end to her previous public humiliation.

When her ex learned of the plot, he managed to woo her to "begin anew." The so-called friends were disgusted and excluded the couple socially.

The woman confessed to me that the jerk was the one she truly loved. Yet she lost all her "friends" in that small community.

I learned that it's difficult to know what's in the heart of another. It's best to know your own motivation, before intervening in another person's life, when the results can be explosive.

Enlightened

Other people's romantic attractions are often unpredictable, and incomprehensible.