My best friend met a guy during our vacation. She's been talking to him daily, for two months, through different social media. But we're all worried - can someone really know a person this way?

He's decided to visit her for one week. He believes she's "the one!" He wants to move here and live with her. She said they'd have to marry (strict Catholic family). Her parents believe their relationship isn't going to work.

She now says she wants to marry him in city hall - by eloping secretly - when he's here (happening soon), and have a big wedding with family and friends once they've saved enough money.

Her friends and I think she's acting crazy and irrational. I feel saddened and hurt. She claims she values her family and friends, but this decision doesn't reflect that at all!

How do we convince her not to get married?

Upset

Stop making this about you and the other friends feeling "hurt," or not listened to. All this pressure adds to her reasons for wanting to succumb to the romantic image he presents.

Social media can give you an idea of someone's character, IF they're being honest and open. But you're all correct that she has no certainty of this.

Talk to her about the positive support you'd like to give her. Suggest she visit him after their week in her environment, so she can meet his family, friends, know how he lives, spends his time, where he works, etc. Say how this will reassure her family and all who care about her. Once you show some acceptance, she might confide her own concerns.

My son, now 21, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome before he became a teenager. He struggled with depression through high school. With counselling and medication, his condition's under control.

When he was 16, his mother and I separated, and I moved nearby. I spent time with him one or two evenings weekly. He gets along well with my new partner.

He finished high school, got accepted into engineering school, but dropped out after first year. After two years, he's sent only four job applications and got turned off by a "group interview."

I encouraged him to get I.T. qualifications, but rejects colleges, as "the professors don't know how to teach."

Whenever I tried to talk to him about consequences and choices, he would have a bout of depression or complain that I didn't spend enough time with him.

He's just lazy, staying home most of the time on computer games or other hobbies. I don't know whether his depression is real or just an excuse. I don't think a tough-love approach would work. Neither his mom nor I think kicking him out would be the solution.

What can we do to make him go back to school or look seriously for work?

Wit's End

When it comes to the depth of his depression, and how much he's frustrated and defeatist because of his condition, those are questions for an expert practitioner in the field of Asperger's.

All of you involved with him, your son, should get fully informed about his condition today, and the impact it's having on his self-image and motivation.

He's obviously having great difficulty moving into the responsible, independent, aspects of adulthood. He needs help understanding why, and what strategies to try.

Insisting on seeing a specialist should be handled as a loving family's support, not as a threat or to counter "laziness."

FEEDBACK Regarding the reader thinking her parents have Alzheimer's because they're more forgetful and impatient (Jan. 26):

Reader - "I'm primary caregiver for my father, mid-80's, who has moderate dementia (not Alzheimer's). People need education about what you can reasonably expect aging parents to do for you or put up with.

"A structured schedule is important for seniors as their memory begins to soften. So her mother remembers the regular stuff (bridge game) because it's routine. If she wants Mom to babysit, she needs to create a schedule, write it on a calendar/daybook, in BIG BOLD WRITING. And call her the day before to confirm.

"Her father's impatience with the grandkids could be due to depression (common amongst elderly men).

"Perhaps she's in denial about this new phase for her parents."

They should have a medical check-up, and not babysit till she's assured Mom can handle that.