My fiancé got married to another lady at the end of 2020 and I felt betrayed. Then, in 2021, I fell in love with a married man who told me that he’d separated from his wife.
One month later, the wife came back and saw our chats. She insulted me, calling me names so many times, and told me to leave her husband.
However, I told the guy about her insulting me and he told me to let him handle the situation which has really affected me emotionally and psychologically.
After I said that I’m leaving, he’s kept on saying that he has a problem in his marriage that he needs to solve.
I need to move on with my life and start fresh. Could there be a problem with me? What should I do?
Start fresh. And yes, whenever anyone keeps finding that their relationships are repeatedly not working out, it signals that they need to focus on finding a solution.
It means taking a time-out from dating and relationships to consider whether something you’ve been doing has contributed (but not caused) your ending up “betrayed” in one relationship, and emotionally and psychologically upset in the other.
I do understand that during Covid and restrictions it was natural for you to embrace close attachments with people who you believed offered love and a future.
But for your “fiancé” to up and marry someone else indicates there was a lot about that man that you didn’t know, and perhaps too much that you took for granted.
Did your ex-fiancé give you a ring, talk about a wedding date, meet your parents and/or other people close to you? Did he later explain why he married someone else instead?
As for the married man, whose “separated” wife returned after one month, how did he explain his instant relationship with you? What made you believe that he was sincere and trustworthy when he could switch partners so quickly?
Without discussing all these factors that have hurt you recently, either within yourself, with friends or a counsellor, I fear that you’ll continue to accept other men’s hasty and near-empty promises as you search for a partner and a future you can count on.
I recommend that you talk to a counsellor online for at least a couple of sessions.
Some people will argue that it doesn’t always help or it costs too much or some other excuse that’s used when they can’t be bothered to spend the time working on themselves and their self-esteem.
But if you don’t protect your own value as an individual, and turn away once you recognize that someone’s rushing you into something too quickly and unlikely to last, these short-lived relationships that hurt and disappoint you deeply will keep happening.
Start fresh. Value yourself.
FEEDBACK Regarding the 69-year-old woman who was considering buying a house for her online “lover” who she’s never met (April 5 and 27):
Reader – “Just to add to the issue of online “lovers” requesting money, it’s just one way scammers find customers by declaring their love.
“Another way is through their reading death notices in the newspaper. It’s easy for them to figure out the name of the lonely widow and her age (more or less).
“Trust me, this too happens! It might start with an easy offer of perhaps selling her house... showing sympathy and befriending the widow... and slowly luring her in.”
Reader #2 – “Please advise your readers of a simple way to avoid getting caught by scammers.
“If a friend or family member calls, they instantly say 'Hi, mom/dad/or say your name when you pick up the phone. BUT there’s a one or two second silence before a scammer speaks that gives you time to hang up.
“No scammer sits at the other end of the call. The numbers are fed into a computer and it dials. When you pick up your phone a light flashes on the screen and the scammer then picks up. That one/two second silence warns me - and you - to hang up.”
Ellie - The consequences of a lonely man or woman believing the interest and schemes of a practiced romance scammer can become financially and emotionally devastating.
Send your stories (they’ll remain anonymous) to serve here as further warning against scammers to those who might be vulnerable.
Tip of the day:
If your relationships are repeating a negative pattern, take a break to rebuild your self-esteem. Don’t rush romance, build trust or move on.