I’d been married for a year and had a child before I learned that my husband had been deeply in love with someone else - before, and still, even on our wedding day and brief honeymoon (he was “needed at work”).
I’d heard about him through his cousin, a friend of my best friend, who described him as single, handsome, successful, and looking for the “right” wife. It sounded like such an old-fashioned approach, that I was curious.
Now, I know the truth. The woman he loved was of a different religion and his tight-knit, very observant family had told the cousin to find someone of their faith (which I am) for him to marry and have children.
She did. It was three years before my innocent girlfriend, actually met him with the other woman, and realized she’d been “used.” I forgave her.
But I can never forgive my soon-to-be ex-husband. Our son is now six-years-old and we share child custody, despite the push from his family that the boy spends more time with him and them, all weekends and holidays. No way.
I also know the other woman is still in his life, because he finally told me so when I insisted on a separation and divorce, despite our religion. He agreed, for his own self-interest.
I’m writing you because I’ve had to teach myself to turn my life around in order to hopefully find real happiness in the future. I hope other people benefit from the messages from this story:
- A very attractive person, with a good education/job whether man or woman, doesn’t need a go-between to meet someone, nor proposes after very few dates. (I was young and flattered, so didn’t question this back then, but should have).
- Repeated late nights out supposedly “working” plus frequent overnight absences for a variety of reasons, are classic signals of lies.
I’m moving forward now with my eyes/ears/instincts wide open.
Stay confident and determined to create a new, fulfilling future for yourself.
The relationship with your son remains paramount. His father, grandparents and the rest of their family must honour your role as his mother, and, include you on all occasions involving the boy, no matter with whom your ex may marry or co-habit.
Yours has been an unusual story, but your ability to distance yourself from his self-serving choices and behaviour shows your resilience and strength of character.
Stay focused on fulfilling your own positive goals. And remember, it’s not the religion that harmed this marriage, but how this man and some of his family manipulated the situation.
FEEDBACK Failing at Marriage (June 16):
“She wrote, “I feel this (second) marriage also won’t last. I’m strong-minded, he hates discussions, and sometimes just walks away.”
“He doesn’t want to discuss anything because he’s not being heard. He feels that his opinions aren’t taken into account.
“A common joke from comedians - “We need to talk” means only the wife wants to talk. In real life, that doesn’t work.
“Do something he enjoys and be non-judgmental. Show that she actually knows her husband. Stop bringing her “manager-style” home.
“Her own words: “He’s a decent man who also works hard at his job.”
“We own a small house together and he’s always nice and accepting of my daughter, 21”
“A solo therapy session with a counsellor may help her see herself the way I suspect her husband sees her.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding doctor-assisted death (June 14):
“My brother-in-law suffered terribly with hip cancer. His hip was removed, his leg fused to the pelvic area. He ended his police-officer career at a young age, learning later that the cancer returned with no way to stop it.
“A week before he passed away with the assistance of his doctor, after suffering from a debilitating stroke, he told us, his family, that he’d had a wonderful fulfilling life, adventures with his beautiful wife, and didn’t want to be a burden on her or family if he couldn’t survive.
“He made the arrangements. His wife accepted his decision.
“He was a wonderful brother-in-law. My husband and I understood his wishes.
“It isn’t a suicide if the doctor assisted his death after he completed the approval process of many steps and rules for medical assistance in death (MAiD).
“Bless those who’ve chosen to pass away this way.”
Tip of the day:
Someone who looks/acts too good to be true, and also rushes from first date to marriage, may have a hidden motive. Look closer.