I'm 50, the youngest of four siblings, and resent my oldest brother, 60, because of family problems he's created for the past 30 years.

My mother died 15 years ago and he's been estranged from us since then, yet has still stirred the pot. He's borrowed money from my sister and father ($100,000) without repaying it, even though he now can do so.

He's been particularly rude to my wife and me since we were dating 30 years ago and has never changed, though when his wife passed away two years ago, we all thought he'd change.

Three years ago my dad was severely ill; me and my other brother nursed him back from the brink, but he now lives in a complex-care hospital. I have power of attorney so I manage his finances; cleaned out the family home he was in, renovated, and rented it out.

My oldest brother is now coming around looking to take possession of some old family heirlooms, mostly old pictures. He says he has a right to the originals, not copies.

I don't want to give him anything but will at least provide copies. I feel I'm doing this to get back at him for all the past problems he's caused me. How do I handle this situation and my feelings of resentment?

Holding On To The Past

Now that you recognize that you're responding from revenge, look at what's really wrong with the picture.... it's you, keeping yourself unhappy where there's no need.

Make three copies of all the pictures that have significance, and divide some originals and copies among all four brothers. He can state "rights" all he wants, he's unlikely to hire a lawyer over this unless you're talking about valuable art.

If that's the case, check with your father re: his will (if possible), call in an appraiser, and divide the pictures by three, such that each sibling gets the same value.

Then focus on the present, and your life with your wife, and other family. If unable to do so, get counselling, there's a lot more to the past that's holding you back.

I have very low self-esteem and no confidence when making friends. Whenever I talk to other girls I fear they're judging me, talking about me, and don't really want to be my friends.

I don't mind talking with people at work, but never go out with girlfriends (I have some) because I don't feel pretty enough and fear I'm bringing them down. I also worry that they think I'm not good enough to be their friend.

I was harassed all through school, especially high school, could this be the reason? What should I do? I get very tense and start to sweat and my muscles tighten when I'm around girlfriends that are girls.

No Social Life

You're crying out for direction, so I urge you to follow through and see a therapist. YES, past harassment affected your self-esteem. But do NOT let those insensitive, immature, school bullies win the battle for your present and future.

Many of them won't even remember their cruel behaviour, and it's time you determined to put it behind you.

But you will need professional guidance, and an experienced therapist can take you through a process of building up confidence in who you are today. You do have friends, and you deserve to enjoy good times with them, so start making it happen by seeing a therapist. Your doctor can refer you.

My mom's unable to keep a secret. Whenever I confide in her, she's soon on the phone gossiping about this new information.

When I confront her about this, I have trouble keeping calm, and she ignores me, saying these things shouldn't be secrets anyway. Periodically, one of her friends, a relative, or neighbour will say to me, "So, I heard you've been..." and they tell me, in detail, things I'd confided to my mom.

I admit that I'm very secretive, but she should respect that. It even makes me uncomfortable when she tells me other people's business.

How can I get her to stop!? I've tried asking her, and she just brushes it off, saying these things are not damaging or real secrets.

Upset

Stop confiding. Tell her only the information that she needs to know for you two to get along and co-operate within the same house. Otherwise, you're feeding this problem.