For the past eight years or so, my husband and I have helped our 90+ year old neighbour. We put out the garbage cans on garbage day, bring them back in, cut the grass and rake the leaves in summer/fall and shovel his sidewalk and path to the house in winter. The properties are small, so it hasn’t been a big deal, and its been our pleasure. In thanks he gave us produce from his garden every summer.

Now he has passed away, the house is empty, and his family comes rarely. We collect the mail to give to them when they show up. But we are concerned that they expect us to continue to do these outdoor chores. How do I politely tell them that we aren’t amenable to continuing this work? We don’t want bad feelings, but we also don’t want to be taken for granted.
Good Neighbour

You have been so kind, and it obviously didn’t go unnoticed. You are what neighbours are all about. But you are in no way obligated to continue doing those chores. Do what you want, for example, collecting the mail and giving it to the neighbour’s family when they come by. And the next time you see them, you can casually comment that they may want to hire a snow removal service. If they respond with anything close to, “but this is something you’ve always done,” you can inform them that you won’t be continuing. Simple as that.

I have two children under 12 whom I love dearly. My wife and I really enjoy our kids and spending time with them. Our time is precious as we both have full-time careers that keep us busy, including occasional travel.

Our weekdays are filled with after-school activities, as are our weekends. But we love it and enjoy the time spent with the kids, watching them grow, participate and love life.

My closest friend also has two children, slightly older than ours, both boys (we have one of each), who both play high-level hockey. He often finds himself in several rinks on the weekend.

We try to get our families together about once a month. I’m writing because his wife has made rude comments to my wife about how much time we spend with our children. She’s even asked us if we find time to have sex, which she thought was funny.

We have a great relationship, full of love and laughter. We have sex as often as either of us desires. We spend quiet time just the two of us after the kids go to bed, and we find a date night about once a month, maybe more, when the grandparents take the kids, or they have sleepovers at friends.

But I reiterate that we really enjoy being with our kids. How do I tell him and/or his wife to mind their own business?

Not so friendly

If your wife and his wife are close enough that your wife feels comfortable saying something, she should. In less words, she can say what you told me. Basically, that your marriage is in a good place and that you spend as much time with your children as you want because you enjoy it. If this woman persists in being rude, your wife could simply ask her why it matters to her?

I get the sense that her marriage is not as stable as yours, and perhaps she’s envious of the time you spend with your children. But I could be wrong, and she simply doesn’t enjoy her children as much as you enjoy yours. Either way, her line of questioning needs to be shut down.

FEEDBACK Regarding the lonely dad (Nov. 1):

Reader – “There are lonely dads and moms out there, but dating sites are too much work for the already time strapped. I know of grandparents who struggle to appreciate the challenges of a special-needs child and make ignorant comments. The online dating world is cruel.

“Try searching on Facebook for disability support groups for similar disabilities. There will be a community that really understands his challenges and may hold events he can attend with or without his son.

“If his son is in a therapy program, he can look at their Facebook page. He can look for single parent groups, play groups and programs in local community centres. Depending upon his son's age and disability he can seek out swimming and bowling activities.

“Getting out into safe supportive community groups and activities will be good for him and his son. They'll both find companionship.”

Understanding Grampa