My partner of 18 months and I dated during his divorce process.
He moved in with me and my two young kids five months ago, after his divorce was finalized. My kids love spending time with him. He treats them very well.
His young son and his teenager regularly spend several days here. All the kids get along well.
The children were told that he rents the basement. So, we keep separate bedrooms but get together when we can.
However, our values may be too different. Unless his kids are coming over, I never know when he’ll be home. He doesn’t text me whether he’s going out after work or coming home later.
He spent New Year’s Eve at his sister’s place but didn’t say he’d sleep there. I had to confirm the next day that he was okay.
I grew up always letting my family know if I’d be home late. My partner doesn’t feel this is necessary.
I told him I don’t have a problem with his going out, but I’d just like to know. I trust him completely and know he’s not cheating on me. But it’s about accountability and respect. Unless I make plans with him to go out, he’s never taken the initiative. If his kids aren’t over, he’s never home, even if I am.
Since his moving in, we might spend a couple hours together watching a movie… there’s no other quality time. We don’t go out publicly as a couple unless I make plans with him to go for dinner.
I’ve told him that I don’t feel like his partner or a priority in his life. Instead, he treats my home like a hotel and me like a roommate. We argue about all this regularly and it’s getting tiresome.
He recently floated the idea of starting a new business. We discussed it and I gave him a few suggestions and also suggested a bit more research.
Two days ago, I caught him folding brochures for his new business. It took me by surprise since we only talked about it that one time.
I told him that I would’ve appreciated him telling me that he decided to go through with it. He said he did, and that I didn’t seem supportive of him.
He says he loves me and he wants a future with me; that he’s trying to change but it’ll take time, and that I’m rushing things. I said he should try to understand why I want him to make changes, like being in touch.
I want a partner who’ll treat my kids well, spends time with me and respects and cares for me in a way that makes me feel loved. I thought he was the one before we moved in together. Now, I’m less sure.
Am I wasting my time with this person?
You both agreed on his moving in when it was too soon. You obviously knew very little about each other’s habits and expectations.
You’ve both been “wasting time” arguing, instead of trying to understand each other and compromise.
How you each grew up regarding behaviour standards is in the past. Now, it’s mutual respect of differences and adaptability, that’s needed most.
Re-boot the relationship realistically. Tell the children you’re a loving couple and sleep in the same bed.
Make dates to be together as a couple, put them in your phones. If there’s enough love between you, compromise is worth the effort.
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. He’s a great guy and I love him. But for some reason he’s incapable of admitting his “weaknesses.”
Example: If we’re out late and he has a few drinks and is understandably hung over the next day, he’ll be grumpy and say that he’s not feeling well or is tired. He’ll never admit to being hung over!
How do I get him to own up and be light-hearted?
You both need to learn more about the effects of alcohol.
While it can make you feel like a super-hero when you’re drinking, the morning-after effects of over-indulging can include anxiety and moodiness. That’s because alcohol is a depressant which affects your brain’s natural level of happiness-chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine.
Give him time to sleep it off, then consider this: Being occasionally grumpy isn’t weakness. But drinking to excess too often can become harmfully addictive.
Tip of the day:
New couples need to try adapting to each other’s different habits and compromising on others.