I’ve had a one-year relationship with a guy who says he’s “in love” with his once-weekly lover of 10 years. I was hurt because I thought he wasn’t involved. But, we continue our physical intimacy. 

He said he likes me because I’m beautiful physically, and sexually attractive.

Whenever I try to keep my distance, he looks depressed and is always drunk. He blurts out that he has feelings for me and likes Asians.

Once he suggested a threesome. I refused.

We have rooms in the same house, his lover lives downtown. They have every Tuesday, while I have him every morning and evening. But we’re only physical once or twice a month.

Do you think he loves me, or is only using me?

He brought me to their family’s house where his father and brother live. But I doubt whether he’s sincere with me or just drunk.

I want to stop this relationship, it’s unfair for his lover and for me. All three of us are males.

He’s gay. I had girlfriends before this, and if I l break with him, I won’t look for another man because I’m not interested.

- Need Advice

Move out as fast as possible. This man is a manipulative drunk who preys on your being alone, innocent and without other ties. He’s using you, just as he and his Tuesday lover use each other with their “arrangement.” But you don’t want 10 years of a half-empty relationship. 

When you move, drop your connection to this man and focus on building a network of real friends, gaining self-confidence, and being comfortable with your own sexual identity.

This relationship was not love. It’s about his neediness, and your vulnerability.

It is NOT an equal, mutual relationship of respect, which is the kind that becomes truly satisfying, and can last.

You’d benefit from counselling, and can get referred from a social services agency, or a doctor, or seek pastoral counselling through your faith community.

My wife recently lost her father; her sister’s had a difficult time with it. She’s mid-50’s, recently separated. She initiated a vendetta against my wife that has the whole family shocked - stemming from a photograph of her daughter that was inadvertently left out of a video tribute at the funeral home. 

She attacked my wife the day after the funeral, screaming and pulling her hair.

Is this grieving?

- Torn Family

This is the dark side of grief, and though hard on everyone, it’s hardest internally on the raging sister. 

Loss triggers the pain of other losses – the lost marriage, its impact on her daughter, the perceived feeling of family slight.

Your wife should take the high road and encourage the family to be neutral and compassionate. She can write her sister and her niece each, saying she regrets the inadvertent oversight.

If the family agrees, she can suggest an opportunity for the niece to honour her grandfather personally, along with other grandchildren, in a meaningful memorial tribute, such as their planting a tree in their grandfather’s name next spring.

My wife of 10 years helped find us a new place, as we’d decided to downsize. 

She suddenly ran off with a colleague and isn’t coming back.

Was she always on her way out, or did she panic about the change?

- Stunned

She’s gone, adapt to that reality, the rest is counter-productive speculation. 

Focus on moving on and living a life that brings contentment with who you are.

I’m a first-time mother, and not a pet lover, which my in-laws know. I’m uncomfortable with their pets near my baby, because of germs, and because one jumps on people. 

Today, they babysat; I found the hyper dog was lying across my baby’s legs while my MIL was holding the baby.

I’m incensed that my in-laws disrespect my beliefs. My husband says I’m overreacting.

How can I handle this without offending anyone?

- Am I Overreacting?

Separate facts from fear. Talk to your baby’s doctor about pets and their germs. Then, talk to hubby. 

You don’t want to shut his parents out, but perhaps you can ask them to visit at your house for a while, till the baby’s bigger.

In time, let your child have the opportunity to become more comfortable around pets than you are.

Learn, and teach your child how to handle pets gently and what to avoid.