My mother’s been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My father’s taken time off work to care for her. My siblings and I make trips to our hometown every month, staying three to four days.

My mother has always been prone to frequent mood swings. She’s been particularly vicious towards one of my siblings and my father. It’s been an ongoing pattern - one family member is treated very poorly, while the remainder are treated nicely.

The victim would be insulted, belittled, and given the cold shoulder for days before reconciliation, a few days reprieve, and then a different family member targeted. There was never longer than a week respite.
My mother cannot seem to help these dark periods and no amount of discussion, pleading, or spectacular arguing has changed this aspect of her personality

There’s no particular trigger, the most inconsequential event (e.g. suggesting the ``wrong'' restaurant to eat at) can set her off.
She’s refused to see a psychologist. Outside the immediate family, she’s a normal cheerful person.
Cancer hasn’t improved the situation. Her mood swings persist and she reserves her worst behavior for my father who’s taking care of her.
I’m conflicted. I'm upset to be losing her. Though I resent her behavior, I love my mother. But I don't believe that I'll remember her fondly once she’s gone.
I also feel less tolerant of her behavior now that she’s dying. I’m suppressing the urge to tell her exactly what I’ve written above.

I recognize this as a selfish, perhaps even vengeful, impulse that can’t possibly improve the situation.
Yet I’m wondering what, if anything, should be done. Should things in our family simply continue as they always have until my mother passes away?

Do I owe it to my siblings and father to simply bite my tongue?

Conflicted Emotions

Tell it to a therapist, for your own needs. You may already be grieving the mother you never had. And angry to face being left with only the bad memories.

Yes, her behavior was toxic and the fact that nothing/no one (e.g. her own doctor) moved her to get psychological help, held your whole family hostage to her moods.

It seems you were more often a witness than a direct victim. This likely caused you uncomfortable feelings all these years, and now there’s the added burden/guilt of thinking you must try to right her wrongs, as a stand-up sibling who tells her off.

You need professional counselling. A good therapist will talk to the child in you that endured all this, and to the adult who’s allowed to love a mother who wasn’t pleasant, and still grieve her passing.

I’m a guy, 34, who’s fallen for a girl I hardly know; I met her only twice in youth religious pilgrimage. She’s 21.

I want to experience love. How do I let her know I like her? Maybe I’ve lost my chance because I waited too long.
I feel jealous seeing people younger than me in love. Sometimes I feel my life has passed me by.

At times I feel very lonely.

Afraid to Try

Falling for someone you don’t know is more of a “crush” or “fantasy” of love.

These can be very disappointing, because the other person has no idea of your feelings, may already be attached, or uncomfortable about your crush.

Talk to a pastoral counselor within your faith community.

Jealousy and loneliness lessen self-esteem. Building confidence is an important first goal before looking for love.

FEEDBACK Regarding the letter from the mother of a bullied child (Jan. 1):

Reader – “There are two bullied people here... her daughter’s tormented by a group of girls, and the mother’s tormented by indifferent parents and officials.

“I believe there’s only one way to handle this: Walk right into the principle's office. Explain the problem. If no solution’s given, then escalate. “My daughter’s entitled to a bully-free education. You’re required to ensure she gets it.”

“If this happens again, I’ll initiate a lawsuit naming the school, you, the board, the girls’ parents and any teachers aware of the situation.

“You’ve been aware of the problem for some time.”

“Any attempt to remove, segregate or otherwise change my daughter's normal routine will not constitute a solution. My daughter will no longer be bullied by her peers and I’ll no longer be bullied by the school."

Ellie – Has any parent tried this approach? Send your story.