Following are some leftover questions from my Live Chat of January 16: Snoop or Confront?
If I don’t snoop or confront my wife about her out-of-town “work” trips (she already had one office affair), then I’m forced to hire a detective agency to see if she’s with someone, sharing a room, etc.
Sure, and if that doesn’t work, you can electronically bug her hotel room, too. OR you could admit right now that you just don’t trust her.
So tell her. Ask her to NOT travel, or to change jobs, or find some other way to reassure you that she regrets her affair and won’t ever cheat again.
Still don’t believe her? Hire a divorce lawyer, and save both of you the pain of hounding, and being hounded.
Note: “work trip” is sometimes synonymous with “escape,” which is why some employees get drunk, and others make fools of themselves at karaoke bars.
IF you suspect your wife embraces any excuse for escape, you might be right… something’s missing in the marriage.
Marital therapy’s cheaper than a divorce. You could start there.
My fiancée had an intimate relationship with her female roommate in University. She only admitted this to me when I proposed. I believed her when she said it was youthful experimentation and she truly loves me. Our sex life is fine.
But this woman from her past does keep contact ten years later and it worries/upsets me. I’ve snooped in vain for any signal that there’s still feelings between them, but when I told her to cut ties, my fiancée refused.
She’s right, you’re wrong. You’re also forgetting all the things you did when younger that don’t define you today.
The other woman may be reaching out. But issuing orders to your fiancée is a red flag suggesting you want to control her and/or don’t believe her sexual orientation.
That’ll be tough for her to accept, and still stay with you, if you don’t stop.
My wife uses her excuse of “a sudden migraine” to twist every conversation into saying I’ve attacked her character. Then comes the weeping and no speaking, for days.
These responses occur whenever I ask where she was when I called from work and no one answered for hours (we have small kids), or why her dinner bill when out with her girlfriends was over $200. And if she paid, then why am I getting the bill?
Since confronting ends in these fights, how else can I find out what’s going on?
If you still love her and want the marriage to have a chance, insist on counselling together to stay together. Otherwise, see a lawyer and tell her so.
This is a crummy situation and will only get worse. And the fighting, weeping, and long silences create an unhealthy environment for your kids.
I found the proof of my ex’s cheating through his phone. It took a lot of snooping as he claimed it was a “work-only” phone and that the calls were high-level information since he’s a senior executive. High-level Call Girls, is what he should have said. He used an escort service whenever he travelled (often) for work. I’m glad I snooped because he was exposing me to STD’s as well as constant lies!
Instinct is often right on. You didn’t trust/believe him from the get-go. Maybe you needed proof to get the high-level divorce settlement you wanted/deserved.
But your life while snooping and knowing in your gut that he was never “alone,” surely wasn’t fun. Good luck now!
My ex-husband was a dentist in a small clinic. The partners hired a new dental nurse and for weeks I kept hearing about her – her great manner with patients, her great sense of humour in the staff lounge, her fitness regime.... etc.
Since I was pregnant with our third child while chasing two preschoolers, you can imagine how I felt about these accounts. No need to snoop.
After a month, I confronted, “Look, I know you have a crush on her and if you don’t forget it, you’re headed for an affair. Then I’ll be headed out the door with your children and half your earnings.”
I never had need to doubt him that way again.
We divorced years later, not about an affair. It was his insensitivity to me, and lack of connection. Today, he’s still all about him.
Ellie – Your show of strength and self-confidence is what confronting should look like.
Tip of the day:
Suspicious? Ask questions, confront, state your feelings, AND your limits.