My husband is controlling and everyone knows it. But at the same time, he’s loving, fun, a good partner and a good provider. He’s also a wonderful dad to our children.

His control issues rear their ugly head mainly when he is stressed, which occurs whenever we are going on holiday, or having people over for a celebration, or doing something in the house. But it can also happen when we’re trying to get the kids out the door to school, or hockey.

I get very upset when he speaks like that to the children. I find it very upsetting, and my protective instincts fly into action. I also don’t like when he speaks to me like that. I want to tell him where to take his anger, but instead, I just go quiet so as not to poke the bear.

But I don’t think this is a great example of how to handle stress and I think I am doing the children a disservice by allowing it to continue.

Thoughts?

Controlling Husband

You are correct that you are teaching by example, and those moments are a poor example of a good, healthy relationship. Your husband needs to deal with his control issues, on his own and through therapy. He needs to learn how to handle his stress better.

We ALL get stressed, and the examples you gave are normal stressful moments in life. Even if the reason is for something fun and positive, like a trip or a party. Time constraints are usually a strong factor in creating stress, so build in more of it. If you need to leave the house at 4 p.m. and you usually give yourselves an hour, start the process 30 minutes earlier.

Try to help your husband with his issues with the goal that he no longer speaks “like that” to you or your children.

Why is it that some people just never mature, grow up, and change? I was recently at a movie theatre with my daughter, when we bumped into three women I knew from high school. One was my age, two a year older.

In high school, we weren’t friends, though we weren’t enemies. They hung out with the older boys in the “smokehouse” and didn’t attend many classes. They were the kind of girls who would trip kids in the hall, while standing by their locker. Luckily, they mostly ignored me at school, if anything, asking for my help with school work. One of them was on the basketball team with me.

My daughter and I had just come out of the washroom and were headed to the concessions, when one of the women saw me. Instead of calling out a hello, she threw popcorn at me. Odd behaviour for an adult, but I didn’t get annoyed. I turned, said a genuine hello, introduced my daughter but quickly excused myself to get popcorn for our movie which was about to start.

Coincidentally, they were in the same theatre, and I smiled when we came in to get our seats. But then my daughter heard them talking about us, loud enough that they wanted us to hear. Why would adults be so mean to a teenager, never mind another adult?

Immature Bullies

You nailed it! Those women are immature, insecure bullies. There is literally no reason to hold a grudge from high school, decades later, and it didn’t even sound as though you had any beef with these women. So, to be nasty just for the sake of being nasty is just unnecessary.

Teach your daughter how NOT to behave using these women as an example.

FEEDBACK Regarding the privacy police (Dec. 2):

Reader – “To the mother/Mother-in-law who respects her family's privacy: Your daughter and son-in-law are very lucky to have you!  You were totally in the right to not want to discuss private matters about your family, probably without their permission, with people who are strangers to them. It's nobody's business what your family members do and why!  I have never been asked an inappropriate question at my salon, which I have frequented for 34 years.

“It’s sad that these people can't come up with appropriate and respectful small talk.  The internet is a terrific source of ideas, for example: ‘94 small talk questions.’  The questions are all about the person, not their family, and NONE involve family planning!”

Lisi – There are always going to be people who like to gossip. Be careful how much you divulge, especially about others.