My husband has a desk job in the military. He’s always wanted to give back to his country, but was never sure how. He graduated university, went on to grad school, and was well on his way in his chosen career.
By fluke, he heard about a position in his field available in the military. Before accepting, we discussed finances and location. I didn’t want him to lose his income, and at the time I wasn’t willing to move.
Luckily, they matched his income and said we could stay in our home city. It’s been a few years now and I’m wondering if we made a mistake. There’s been no talk of a raise, but lately they’ve been discussing a relocation.
I think I’m about to lose out. Either my husband is going to have to go somewhere for several months, or I’m going to have to move with him. I’ve recently been promoted, and was thrilled because the price of living keeps going up even though my husband’s income isn’t.
What do I do when the time comes? I’m losing sleep and I don’t know when things are going to change. I can’t go on like this.
Sleepless in Reserve
You’re right – you can’t go on like this. I suggest that you and your husband sit down together and make a few plans. Talk through what happens if the military chooses to send your husband away for six months. Talk through a plan if he’s relocated.
If you two can come together and know where you stand with all the options possible, you’ll be able to sleep knowing that you have a plan.
Unfortunately, the military might want something else that neither you nor your husband have thought of, but there’s no use losing sleep over the unknown.
My wife is unhappy. I overheard her say to a friend that she had the best time on holiday without me. She said she could “do what she wanted, when she wanted.”
I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t know that I heard that, and she’s acting totally normal. But I can’t unhear it and I want to make things better.
What do I do?
Look within. Are you controlling in your relationship? At home? Do you spend time doing things your wife wants to do? Or, is it all about you, your wants and needs?
Once you’ve figured out where you can make change, go for it. Try making change on your own for a few weeks. Pay attention to your wife’s reaction, and mood. Is she still acting “normal” or does she seem happier?
Now it’s time to connect. Talk to your wife. Tell her you heard her talking on the phone, you’ve made some changes, and you hope she’s noticed. But you realize you two need to work on your relationship to ensure both of you are happy and fulfilled.
FEEDBACK Regarding the response to the young men at the ski resort (March 16):
Reader – “I am so enjoying your entry into Ellie's advice column; I read both of you avidly. I had to reply to the young gentleman's dilemma, being hit on the ski slopes!
“As a widow, I turned to online dating a while ago. I've had multiple offers from gentlemen way younger than me - so kind of the opposite direction, you could say. Like the young 20ish guy, I have no attraction for anyone outside of my age frame (I'm 70). I don't respond, but I mentally wish them well and honestly wonder what they might be after. You need to have a healthy sense of humour and a solid sense of when people are trying to scam you.”
Reader #2 – “I'm questioning your advice to ‘Too old for us’ regarding older women making advances on 20-something-year-old guys. I wonder if your advice would have been the same if it was a 20s something woman complaining about advances from men in their 60s and 70s.
“I enjoy reading your column.”
Lisi – Thank you both for your continued readership. You’re not the only one who wondered whether my response would have been the same. A true testament to the world of double standards in which we live.
I cannot say that without a doubt my response would be exactly the same, but I believe it would. I’ll admit I find it creepier for older men to lech on to young women who could be their granddaughters, but giving them the benefit of the doubt, they too are looking for love and affection, and maybe the Fountain of Youth.