My boyfriend and I, both in our late-20s, have been together one year. We have discussed buying a house and starting a family together.

Then, his ex-girlfriend showed up and introduced him to his infant son - apparently she got pregnant right before they split and decided to keep it a secret until now.

While our plans have been shattered due to his obligation to care for his unexpected son, we’ve decided to stay together and try to make it work.

I want to be the best girlfriend I can be in this situation, but am terrified of being neglected or shunned by his ex and their families.

How to Proceed?

Your intention is admirable, but it’ll take more than love. Maturity, compassion, and patience will be needed for years ahead, by both of you.

Maturity’s required in balancing the fact that a child’s needs take priority, along with a couple’s boundaries. Your boyfriend must tell his ex that you’re on side as his partner, included in everything that involves him.

His financial responsibilities and time involvement with the child will affect you two as a couple. You have to accept that, and his ex has to accept that you’ll often be with their child along with him.

It’ll help greatly if you show some compassion for her situation, as well as your own. And it’ll help if you’re patient in building some trust between you and her, regarding the child and her dealings with your guy.

This past Christmas celebration was “hijacked” by my wonderful grandson, mid-20s, whom we all deeply love.

He’s struggled for years with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), as well as speech and reading difficulties.

Recently, he got involved with martial arts – awesome, and good for him.

At Christmas, he held forth on this topic, demonstrating with my good-natured granddaughter. It was a monologue that went on and on. (He came at 3pm and left at 9:30pm).

Christmas will come again next year, as will Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Do any of your readers have a gentle, kind, thoughtful way that such onslaughts can be controlled without damaging his ego or hurting his feelings?

(Yes, in the past there have been similar incidents, with different topics, but none quite so intense.)

Hijacked Family

You’re a thoughtful, loving grandmother to put out this question to readers, since so many families have someone with these personality factors, and want to handle them wisely.

Both obsessive-compulsive disorder and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder are considered fairly common and serious neuropsychiatric disorders.

While some symptoms associated with attention and concentration can appear similar, especially in children and adolescents, ADHD and OCD are notably different in terms of brain activity and their clinical presentation. This is why understanding your grandson’s disorders is essential.

My personal observations with similarly caring people who have relatives with either or both of these, is that they researched, talked to professionals, and became very knowledgeable about what triggers behaviours, especially those that can be dangerous, but also those that can become unpleasant socially, such as you describe.

With children old enough to understand their own condition, they got professional help to assure they, too, were aware of such triggers and learned some strategies, through therapy, to alter their behaviour.

On specific occasions like Christmas, I’d also advise setting parameters – a shorter visiting period, a plan for breaking up the day – e.g. a favourite movie on TV, an outdoor activity like a walk.

Readers, please weigh in!

The only kind of wine I like is Chardonnay. Last night we went to my in-laws for dinner and I took a bottle along.

When my brother-in-law asked me what I’d like to drink, I said I’d like a glass of the wine I brought.

He made a big deal about why didn't I want a glass of his wine (not chardonnay) and I politely listened then said I’d prefer a glass of the chardonnay. Then he told my son I was being difficult. Was I being impolite?

Personal Preference

Yes. A host/hostess usually puts some thought into the wine to be served.

Unless you’re allergic, or have reactions like headaches to other wines than chardonnay, it would’ve been polite to say, “I’ll try a sip,” thank him, and then say you prefer the wine that you brought for just that reason.

Your brother-in-law may think you’re stubborn or have limited taste, but you can’t be accused of being impolite.