My wife of ten months is exceptionally attractive, loving, caring, and my best friend.
While dating for two years, we’d both lived with our parents. Our only times together were a few intimate sessions and one four-day trip.
What didn’t initially seem like a deal-breaker is now more problematic:
Simply put, my wife’s excessively flatulent.
When dating, I’d dismissed her sporadic passing of gas as her being comfortably natural when with someone she loves.
But now she’s flatulent almost all the time we’re together - in the car, while sleeping, while watching TV, while being intimate, etc.
It’s become annoying and a mood-killer, perhaps even disrespectful.
I asked if she wanted to discuss this with our family physician or her gynaecologist, but she flat-out refuses to address this, often by giggling and asserting: "Baby, relax -- it's just a fart!" She finds this humorous. I don’t.
I raised this with my doctor, who said it could potentially be an indicator of a serious intestinal issue.
How can I get my wife to address this from both a medical and common courtesy perspective?
It’s Not Funny
Your wife dismisses gas as “natural” – and it often is – but it’s been allowed to become a relationship bomb.
She’s letting frequent flatulence come between you by paying no attention to your discomfort with it.
While passing wind is the stuff of childhood hilarity, it’s commonly considered socially awkward or rude among adults.
Ignoring the turn-off odour and your annoyance, along with her refusal to check for health problems, indicate both insensitivity to you and immature denial.
None of this is good for your marriage, which deserves more than a giggling brush-off. Tell her so.
Say that you’re willing to help her find the cause, since frequent flatulence doesn’t usually occur without a reason.
Excessive gas can signal easily manageable causes, such as lactose intolerance and specific reactions to some foods (e.g. beans, cabbage), or to some laxatives and ibuprofen.
But there can be serious causes such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn’s disease, and Diabetes.
The sooner she sees a doctor and rules out, treats, or manages these causes, the sooner this will no longer be a divisive issue.
Do the research with her. And also check out some of the simple home remedies if there’s no health issue, such as drinking plenty of fluids and lukewarm water, and learning to swallow less air.
I recently met up with my ex two months after our breakup.
We’d dated exclusively for ten months when he told me that he didn’t love me as I loved him. He cared for me, he said.
I knew I had to move on or be miserable. I’ve been reaching out to strong women friends, seeking certainty that I must hold out till I find someone who loves me fully.
But seeing him was tough, I miss him, and my feelings are still there.
Is Caring Enough?
For a person who needs to be loved in a relationship, his “caring” will always fall short.
It becomes a “deal” you’ve accepted, causes you to try harder at pleasing him, and erodes your self-esteem.
Difficult as it likely was to break up, you’ve done the right thing for yourself.
Especially if you’re now determined to increase your sense of self-worth, by building up your supports (sincere, strong friendships, healthy family connections).
From there, the future will unfold with more likelihood of your finding what you want and need in a partner.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s long-distance relationship with a depressed man refusing help (Mar 7):
Reader – “I spent a year in a very similar situation.
“I also suffer from depression, so understood him a lot.
“But I ended the relationship after realizing that he actually has narcissistic personality disorder ( I never said so).
“He hadn't worked in years, had a failed marriage and other relationships, his family and friends had practically washed their hands of him.
“His teenage children, suffering their own psychological problems, weren’t talking to him anymore.
“He had excuses, it was always someone else's fault. He also had excuses for not getting professional help.
“I'm still traumatized by the experience - the twisting everything around, the crazy-making.
“This woman’s at the top of her game, with children of her own. She should break it off with him. He may not have a personality disorder, but he’ll bring her down.”
Tip of the day:
A partner’s indifference to the effects of excess personal flatulence is no joke.