I’m in a lesbian relationship that I jumped into quickly. I first met my girlfriend as a friend. We were roommates in the military. She had boyfriends.
When we reconnected, I expressed my secret crush and feelings I had for her. She was in divinity school then.
I visited her and moved to her location six months later. Within months, we were arguing. I started talking with a woman at work and had an emotional affair. When my girlfriend found out, I ended it.
For six years since then, we’ve been arguing. I feel she’s been emotionally abusive, getting mad at the smallest things, and mentioning how, if she were married to a man… etc.
We went to counseling but after 30 minutes, she disagreed with something I said, walked out, and left me stranded.
We haven’t had sex in seven years. She’s torn between her mother’s feelings about our relationship, her religion, and possibly her not being gay.
I accepted the no sex because I love our friendship but she’s constantly saying that we’re in a relationship. I love her but don’t feel connected to her.
I’d love for us to work it out. I’m not sexually interested after so long, though we sleep in the same bed.
Being at home is sometimes awkward. Our lives are very boring. We don’t have many friends and some say it’s because of how she makes them feel. She can be controlling, and I allow it. I sometimes feel like I’m her child.
Can You Help Me?
You’re back to being roommates. You’re neither lovers nor comfortable best friends.
You’ve been passive, she’s been controlling. It’s not a healthy situation for either of you, plus it’s certainly a conflicted one for her.
You do need help, and you should get it on your own. You know this isn’t working for you, neither as a close, caring friendship, nor an equal relationship, nor as a couple.
Meanwhile, she’s not ready (and maybe not capable) of discussing her own confusions about herself or her sexual identity, in therapy.
Take a step forward instead of spending more years marking time, missing out on a more satisfying, engaging life among friends, and, in a more fulfilling and equal partnership with someone else.
Last year I caught my husband messaging 20-something women. He’s addicted to Pokémon and said that it was just about that game.
It’s hard to trust him again when he still constantly communicates with these women. He plays and meets up with people before coming home from work.
Since I can always check his Facebook and Instant Messaging, he uses different apps to talk to these people. I’ve said that’s secrecy, not privacy.
I’m taking medication for depression but I’m ready to throw in the towel. I can't compete with addiction.
Stay or Go?
The main issue here is addiction, which he has to realize before anything can change, including his contact with other players including young women.
Your depression doesn’t make this easy, but you need to convince him that he has much to lose (your love, trust, companionship, emotional support) unless he acknowledges his addiction and seeks help.
A gentle way to start is through the On-Line Gamers Anonymous website (http://www.olganon.org). There’s also an OLG-Anon component for family and friends.
Check it out yourself so you can speak to him knowledgeably about it. Be clear that you’re at the end of your tolerance.
I’m a man, 76, single for many years and living an extremely lonely life.
I’m financially secure, decent-looking for my age, but women don’t give me a second look.
I’d be a fabulous companion except for being impotent. (However, there are many ways of making love!) I limp due to a bad hip.
Can you help me locate a woman who’d appreciate a man who can give abundant love, affection, and companionship?
Grateful for A Match
Since I’m NOT a matchmaker, I included your letter to say to the many lonely people like yourself who may not want to use dating apps that the effort has to come from you to make contacts.
There are simple ways – at your community centre events, joining a walking group, taking art classes, at local library events. Invite friends over for coffee/ a drink, (you don’t have to be alone) and mention that you want to meet people to date.
Tip of the day:
No sex, little agreement, no equality, just arguments, adds up to a negative relationship with pressing reasons to move on.