Dear Readers – The following questions were held over from a popular Ellie online chat on the fear of commitment:

My husband cheats. He won’t admit it, but I’ve known this for years. But I loved him, and still do.

He doesn’t rub it in my face, but there are periods when he “works late” a couple of nights every week. Then it’s over and he’s mine again.

He was adopted at age five, after being abandoned by his mother into foster homes at three. His adoptive parents later divorced when he was 12. He still speaks of these events with tears in his eyes. Has this background made him commitment-phobic?

Curious About Source

If you forgive him, based on this assumption as to why he cheats, that’s your choice. However, it’s not an excuse, even if you’re willing to live with it.

Yes, he has some serious baggage that helped shape his personality, his values and his fears, too. He’s shared his past experiences with you, and should share them with a therapist as well, because he’s still grieving old abandonments he’s long outlived.

You may both believe that looking the other way when he cheats makes it okay for your relationship. But I believe you can both have better than okay, together, if he learns to put sorrow for old losses behind him.

My husband and I have recently broken up. Things deteriorated when we finally thought we could afford to buy a house, after seven years together. We both work in the city, but suddenly he had to live in the country.

I loved a small, newish house; he insisted that a large fixer-upper was the better investment. We could never agree on a house.

We argued over the price we could afford, and then it was obvious we didn’t have a single thing in common regarding preferences for style, décor, etc.

I now believe he used that stress as the reason to end the marriage. Do you agree?

Insight

Maybe. Maybe not. What really matters is that you found you had little in common in those areas, and BOTH of you allowed these differences to become a power struggle. Then you both grew it into an impassable barrier.

It seems that he called the final split. Yet you fought him on all the choices, until one of you had to cave or walk. The fact that he went first is not the big issue here.

Recognize that you, too, could not compromise on these decisions, albeit for strong reasons.

It means the marriage, for you as well, wasn’t worth saving. It may’ve worked in the past when things were still as they were when you got together. But the future was too problematic.

In your next relationship, you’d be wise to learn more about what you do and do not have in common.

My cousin was pressured to propose by his future father-in-law, who accused him of “wasting” his daughter’s best years. He said my cousin had no character or decisiveness.

Now he’s getting married at Christmas, acting like he wants this, when recently he’d said he wasn’t ready or sure she was the one.

Know the Truth

Talk to him about what he feels now, not previously. The push may’ve made him fear losing someone he does love. Nevertheless, remind him that marrying under pressure is a set-up for failure. That’s something his FIL will resent far more than anything else.

I’m 32, divorced at 27 after a three-year marriage, and had two relationships since. It’s time for me to consider my biological clock and think about having a family, which I want.

But I can’t seem to find anyone I could stay with forever. My ex-husband and I practically grew up together, so divorce was like a death.

Will I ever get over being afraid to give myself fully again?

Worried

Put the clock aside and listen to your insecurities instead. Divorce can feel like a death, especially since you cut off any mourning and self-reflection whenever another man came along.

Work at gaining confidence in yourself and your own ability to choose a mate, before you rush into another relationship just to beat your biological clock.

Counselling would help you put your divorce into perspective. Just because you grew up together didn’t make him the best man with whom to grow old.