Dear Readers – With school started, here’s an important reminder about the No. 1 priority of encouragement:

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who didn’t want to pay university tuition for a stepchild on probation (August 15):
Reader – “When I started at university, I was a bright student who got excellent grades. But, I lost my motivation, and my grades fell until I dropped out. I worked for three years in an auto centre.

“My parents always told me I could do better, that I should go back to school, and with their support I finally did, going part-time to night school.

“Today I have a university degree and a successful career, thanks to them.
“In my last year at the auto centre, a high school senior worked there part-time. He seemed bright.

“To my surprise, he said he was going to work in a factory after graduation. His father had set it up because his parents didn't think he was smart enough for university.
“His high-school grades weren't good, he hadn't even bothered to take entrance exams. I said I thought that’d be a waste. When I left that job, we kept in touch.
“After a year at the factory, he wanted to give school a try. He got into the school I was at - but on academic probation. The first year was tough but he eventually graduated and went to law school. He’s now a successful lawyer.

“I'd tell that step-mother, that every child needs encouragement to be the best that they can be. It can make an immense difference to their future.

“Telling your child "I won't pay because you're on academic probation" is essentially saying "you're stupid, and therefore a bad investment."

“Who knows what opportunities could be missed because of your lack of support?”

My father and mother have been fighting for years about money and other common stuff (I know that they even came close to a divorce).

My mom refuses to share and tell the truth. Currently, they’re not speaking to one another. My dad doesn't consider the marriage real, just two people forced to live under the same roof.

He’s now accusing my mom of being gay, though he has no evidence.

Their problems existed before I was born… so much lying and other crazy things. I just can't stand listening to hours of their recounting past issues. Dad keeps making "poor me" while Mom just avoids him.

I'm 21, and stuck in the middle along with my older brother.

I want something to be resolved so we can stop this “not talking” for months every year. I'm looking for work and going to school. It’s a lot of pressure amid family fights and distrust.

Nightmare Family 

At 21, you’re not far from the opportunities to separate yourself more and more from this tense household. Focus on work and school and stay out of “the middle” by ignoring their fights and their silences. Let the tension be their problem. Avoid or ignore it.

I suspect that each one, as childish and self-absorbed as you describe, tries to show you how wrong the other one is, to keep you on their side.

Make one clear statement that you have no desire to hear any further accounts of their marital problems. Say that you have school, work, a future, and your own emotional balance to consider and protect. Tell them that, as parents, they need to respect that you’re not part of their differences.

My daughter, 30, has a brain injury from a car accident at 15. She recently moved into an apartment we bought. She pays rent and for some utilities, from her disability income. She’s managing well, and likes living alone.

However, she’s gained two pounds weekly, and already weighs over 200 pounds. There’s diabetes in our family, so we (and she) are very worried.

She’s seen a dietician, works out, and takes long walks weekly though she’s otherwise sedentary. We feel she’d benefit from life coaching to develop new eating and exercising habits. Once she adopts new habits, they tend to stay. But how do we find a reliable Life Coach?

Concerned

Ask the local Diabetes Association if they offer lifestyle programs. Perhaps the dietician she saw provides coaching, or can recommend someone. Also, search Google for Life Coach to find local practitioners, and also the accrediting body for references.