My sister-in-law’s brother was just caught cheating with my brother’s best friend’s wife. It’s as complicated as it sounds, and I’m somehow caught up in the web of it all.

My brother and I are close, and I am very close with his wife, my SIL. Our children are all similar in age, attend the same schools and are very close. I grew up with my brother’s best friend and we are very close. He’s like family. I never became that close with his wife (for that, I am very grateful!) but she was at every event, from a for-no-reason backyard BBQ to every wedding, funeral and other important family get-together.

Obviously, my heart goes out to my brother’s best friend, but I also feel badly for my sister-in-law. She’s caught between a rock and a hard place. She never loved that woman either, but they spent a LOT of time together. She almost feels guilty for having placed her brother and this woman in this situation. I keep telling her that it’s not her fault, but she feels so badly.

And my brother is beside himself! His brother-in-law and his best friend’s wife?!? My parents are so upset because they LOVE my brother’s best friend. Now the whole family is in an uproar because they’re mad at their in-laws. It’s a mess!

What do I do?

Incestuous Affairs

Well, thankfully, actual incest isn’t an issue here. Your SIL’s brother and your brother’s best friend’s wife are not related in any way. But they could have thought better about their actions before starting an affair so close to home.

This is dirty and ugly and you’re right, it’s a mess. But it’ll all calm down, after a while. In the meantime, you can help by talking to your brother and your SIL. They both must stop beating themselves up, because it’s NOT their fault that this happened. It’s imperative that they lean into each other and not get angry at each other about this issue. They need to wrap their own marriage in a bubble.

Your brother has a full pass to stop talking to his BIL. His allegiance is obviously to his best friend. But he also must ensure that his best friend doesn’t take out his anger on your SIL. Again, it’s not her fault.

The tricky relationship is between your SIL and her brother because he’s the one who cheated and caused this whole mess. Yes, he’s her brother, but she also gets a pass if she wants to distance herself for a while.

Lastly, your parents shouldn’t come down too hard on their in-laws. It’s not their fault, and their son isn’t the one who married into your family. They need to agree to not discuss the issue when they’re together celebrating family events. And their son no longer needs to be invited – unless it relates to his nieces and nephews and your SIL wants him there. It’s her call.

How do I get my parents to stop asking me about my love life? I’m 15, in a new high school because we moved, and am doing my best to make new friends. There is a guy I think is cute and nice, but he doesn’t know I exist.

But I do know that I do NOT want to talk about it with my parents!

Nosy Parents

Your parents are just interested in you and your life. They’re probably concerned about your social life because you moved schools. Just talk to them. Tell them you appreciate their concern, you’re making new friends, no boyfriends for now and you’ll keep them posted but you’d appreciate if they stopped asking. Done.

FEEDBACK Regarding Flabbergasted (Feb. 28):

Reader – “My feelings about what is going on in the news these days greatly disturbs me, too.  My inclination is to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me (as my mother used to say).  But I believe that we should call out racists and bullies and not be like the people who lived near the concentration camps, denying knowledge of what was going on in them.  We don’t have to put ourselves in danger, but we need to speak up.”

An elderly white woman

FEEDBACK Regarding “sharing” a toothbrush (March 6):

Reader – “If you are in a loving relationship but your only gripe is that your wife borrows your toothbrush and you’re disgusted, then it’s simple!  Lock up your toothbrush in a simple container so she can’t borrow it!”

Lisi – Good idea in theory, but not in practice. That makes life complicated for the person annoyed.