My wife’s father recently passed away leaving her a sizable sum of money. The timing, though devastating for everyone, couldn’t be better from a financial standpoint, as we have recently been debating the need for renovating our current home or moving. Much of the decision boils down to finances, and which option is less expensive.

I would prefer to move; my wife would prefer to renovate. One of the reasons I don’t want to renovate is that we would then move in with her parents (now, just her mother) for the duration of the work, which would take about a year. I knew I couldn’t handle living with both her parents, though I imagine living with just her widowed mother may be slightly easier.

After meeting with an architect and a designer, it looks like the cost of both is almost equal. However, now with the money her father left us, we could buy an even bigger, better home. The renovation can only go so far on the existing footprint.

My wife is digging her heels into the reno. Our last conversation ended with her throwing the, “well, it’s my money so I get final say” card at me. Now I’m hurt and angry. Where do we go from here?

Crossroads

Start by telling your wife that you love her, and you know she is hurting and grieving the loss of her father. If possible, put off any decision making for a good six months. That way, your decisions won’t be affected by the deep sadness she (and I imagine you, on some level) is feeling.

Also, depending on her mother’s physical and mental health, there may be changes coming that will again affect your finances and living situation. For example, if her parents still live in a big home, her mother may not want to stay there alone. She may wish to downsize to an apartment, or she may need assisted living, or she may want to live with you and your family.

Take the few months to research different neighbourhoods, school districts if that matters, look at magazines and online, and create your list of must-haves and negotiables. Then, in a few months, when the dust has settled on your father-in-law’s passing, sit down with your wife again and look at your options with fresh eyes. Forget what she said in the thick of her despair; it was an emotional outburst.

My husband hasn’t worked in over five years but lives off the money his father gives for “helping” him around the office. My father-in-law owns several used car dealerships and has made a very good living for himself, giving my husband and his siblings everything they could desire, without being over the top. All the children went to university and the other two came out with very good lucrative careers. Not my husband. When I met him, he was working with a real estate agent and a builder, doing deals and making great money. But those two had a falling out and my husband was collateral damage.

I need him to do something more than whatever it is he’s doing. Both for our bank account and his self-esteem. He’s a shell of who he was. How can I help him?

Collateral Damage

Your husband would benefit from a life/career coach. He needs to talk through what his interests are and how they mesh with his skill set. Don’t add the financial pressure piece at the moment; it will only hinder the process. But put a timeline on it because he may need a kick in the butt.

FEEDBACK Regarding disappointed parents (Feb. 27):
Reader – “It is very hurtful when someone doesn’t show gratitude for a gift or for any other kindness.  And I rarely defend those who don’t acknowledge gifts — even if it’s just a stick of gum!  But social etiquette is a dying concept in our society.  We have replaced rules about bread-and-butter notes, about appropriate behaviour in public spaces, about replying to invitations, etc., with mantras such as ‘do your own thing,’ ‘whatever floats your boat,’ and ‘be chill’ often taking precedence over consideration for others.  Entitlement is the order of the day, especially for the young but even among those of advanced years.  And thus, it is that people will say, ‘I don’t do funerals’ — or sick people visits or thank you notes or whatever it is they have failed to do.

“Some people will never learn to be gracious, and we then must decide on a case-by-case basis whether their other charms are sufficient to outweigh their rudeness.”