My sister won’t speak to me because of what happened at our last family BBQ. I think she’s being outrageous.

I arrived at our parents’ house when some guests were already there. My parents are still young and spry, but they each have older siblings who are much more elderly in their abilities. Those seniors (there were six of them) were sitting in chairs, having hors d’oeuvres and sipping iced tea. My sister-in-law was helping them.

A few of my young nieces and nephews were playing in the pool, and my brother was watching them. My brother-in-law was helping my dad with the barbecue as there was a lot of food and he needed a cooking partner. My mom and my sister were running around making sure everything was as it should be; they looked like they had it under control, so I got myself a drink and sat down.

When the food started to come out, I saw a sausage with my name on it and some delicious Caesar salad, made myself a plate and ate. Isn’t that what you do at a BBQ? Why is my sister livid?

Family Fun

If you were my sibling, I’d be furious as well. From your own description, you were unhelpful, uninvolved and made zero attempt to be a participating member of your family. You arrived late and did nothing to help prepare or set up; you didn’t hang out with your brother by the pool, or offer to watch the kids; you didn’t offer to help your dad so your brother-in-law could do something else; and you didn’t make any attempts to chat with your elderly family members. You didn’t offer your mother or sister any help, and as soon as you could, you ate and bolted. You didn’t mention it, but I’m going to assume you didn’t stay to clean up either.

If you read the paragraph and insert everything opposite, you’ll see what you could have and should have done, and why your family is annoyed with you.

I'm 63; my wife is 62. She works nights, which I don't mind. We used to have sex to make up for the time lost but now, we just talk. I'm disabled, can’t drive, so I’m house bound. We now have separate bedrooms.

She recently told me that, after 20 years, she doesn’t know how to turn me on.  I feel like I'm just someone for her to come home to; she doesn't ask what I like to do. She knows I like going to the heritage railway, the aviation park, and to take my model boat out, which she hasn't taken me to do since COVID.

Last year on holiday she stayed in her own room watching movies and sleeping, while I stayed with the dog downstairs. If I wasn’t disabled, I would have left; but something keeps holding me here.

Married but alone

You two have hit an impasse in your life and your relationship. She leads an irregular life by working nights, which means she probably sleeps much of the day. You don’t work and are clearly dependant on her for companionship and entertainment.

Being disabled, you are probably eligible for Wheel-Trans, which could take you to some out-of-house programming, community services, entertainment. That will get you out of the house and less dependent on your wife. She may benefit from switching to day work so she can socialize with friends and family in the evenings, with and without you.

However, being disabled does not preclude you from deserving a healthy, happy relationship. Speak to your wife and tell her how you feel. Try to work together.

FEEDBACK Regarding campaigning for divorce (March 27):

Reader – “Late-diagnosed autistics and ADHDers are hypersensitive to negativity because they've had to endure so much of it in their lives. The clinical term for what the husband must be feeling around his in-laws is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It causes acute anxiety when the
individual encounters anything that even remotely resembles negative criticism, and emotional withdrawal is a common response.

“I presume the daughter loves him and is working hard to support him emotionally. Simultaneously dealing with her parents' poorly disguised ‘campaign’ is exacerbating her fatigue and darkening her mood. Under these circumstances, quizzing her about the health of her marriage isn’t going to make things better.

“Everything this letter-writer finds to criticize about their
son-in-law falls within the definition of auDHD behaviour. These parents should educate themselves about neurodivergence, get to know their son-in-law much better, and determine how they can support both him and their daughter, for the sake of the grandkids.”